My partner and I professionals aged about 30 years. We've been together before five years and at a distance for last three, but we just moved in together again.
While we were at a distance, we both had difficulties in our Job. She had important exams, and it's busy It's high time for me to take up my career. ABOUTlast year, ohyour relationship has become tenseand you can feel it as if wemoved away from each other. Now it feels like we're not friends, let alone partners. This is complicated by our job changes.. Even though we live together now, we still hardly see each other. each other.
Weboth are interested figure it all out, but it’s very unclear how To stay together. When our relationship works it's phenomenal and I I miss easy communication, love and the thirst for adventure it's now seems to be missing. We would greatly appreciate any advice to help us move forward together.
My first question was: what makes you want to stay? I wonder if this relationship has run its course, but the time spent apart has made you feel like you're back together now and you need to make it work? You say it's phenomenal when it works, but when did it work?
Psychoanalytic psychotherapist and relationship expert (and author of the wonderful book Tell Me the Truth About Love) Suzanne Abse's first thought was that “couples find it extremely difficult to be in long-distance relationships. [and some people do]then separation is usually experienced as painful and destructive and, over time, can lead to a weakening of the bond between the couple.”
Abse went on to explain that “just as children show strong reactions to being separated from their parents, couples often do so too. Children who are securely attached to their parents protest in the face of separation and may turn away angrily when the parent returns. Parents may feel hurt by their children's reaction, but will hopefully respond by coaxing them back together. But between two adults, things can be more complicated.”
This is where anger and arguing come into play. “In my experience,” Abse continues, “long-awaited reunions between romantic partners often end in scandal because the person who was left behind is not ready to reunite emotionally, and the person who left behind becomes very disappointed at not being greeted with pure joy! While arguments may seem difficult, they can also be an opportunity to work through feelings, but instead of fighting, some couples suppress their feelings and withdraw into themselves.”
Abs thinks you may be in the latter category: “To reconnect, you will have to return to your relationship, acknowledge that it's important, and explore together how the separation really felt for both of you. You may have both been using your jobs as an escape, which is not conducive to a close, committed relationship.”
The last few years have seemed very stressful professionally. I wonder if you both need to find some stability – whether or not you're in a relationship – to acclimate to where you are. I'm also wondering how balanced your relationship was when you lived together, during your separation, and now. Did either of you compromise more or have more power? Even now, during this period of disunity, you probably have episodes when you get along better. When and where is it?
Abs thought it might be helpful for you to take a vacation together to “see how you feel about making room for this relationship. You may discover what lies behind your unspoken 'decisions' not to make the relationship a priority.”
I think a vacation, or at least some time on neutral territory, will help you see what's left of your relationship and what you want to preserve. I had an image of two people who were very passionate professionally, but personally working in opposite directions. Some couples therapy can help you figure out what you both really want and if it's really about each other.
Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal issue submitted by a reader. If you need Annalisa's advice, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our conditions. The latest episode of Annalisa's podcast is now available Here.
