Dear Eric! My cousin recently passed away after a long hospitalization. We were very close. I sent my family a postcard with money, but they sent me the money back. I've never heard anything like this happen in my life. What do you feel about it?
I spoke to other family members and their money was not returned to them. I sent out a lot of money cards. We have a big family. I have never had my money refunded before.
Can you recommend this for me? It's hard for me to understand. Am I wrong to question this action?
– Returned gift
Dear Gift: I've heard of people who found themselves inundated with casseroles immediately after the death of a loved one. Pyrex as far as the eye can see. It is a kindness that sometimes goes beyond their appetite and cold tolerance. I wonder if something similar happened with your kindness? The sentiment may have been appreciated, but the family found that they had received enough money to cover expenses and wanted you to be able to spend your money elsewhere.
This is just a guess. It would be wise for them to send a note. “Thank you very much. We have more than we need and your love, so we return your kind gift to you with the same love.” Something like that.
Since no note was provided, it's okay to ask. Think of it as a curiosity, and that's exactly what it seems. “I was surprised to get the money sent back. I wasn't offended, but I was wondering why. Can you help me understand?”
Dear Eric, I am seeking advice regarding one of my sisters, the fourth of five. Four years ago, my 35-year-old husband died unexpectedly—he passed away eight hours after being admitted to the emergency room. It was traumatic for me. My big family, brothers and sisters appeared.
At this time, the sister in question called and said that she could not come because her daughter was giving birth to her third child, but she would come in about a month. Time passed, but there was no visit.
Three months later, my house burned down. Another call with promises to come to me; never happened.
Almost four years passed and she had virtually no contact with her. In the meantime, she and her husband traveled extensively around the world with their children and friends.
I think part of the problem is that she was always jealous of me and my life. She married money and never worked a day in her life; I, on the other hand, worked very hard, started my own business and built my own wealth through hard work and smart investments.
She talks down to people (especially waiters) and is difficult to be around; obviously she thinks she's better than everyone else.
Should she contact me, should I tell her what a terrible person she is? Or should I just not answer the phone? I don't miss her in my life, but eventually I know that I will have to deal with it, but how?
– Tired of being neglected
Dear Tired! Let the call go to voicemail.
She did not come to you in difficult times. Judging by your words, you don’t really like her either. I don't understand what this would lead to if we discussed this over the phone.
Sometimes relationships exist in name only. Sometimes we realize that people have spared us the trouble of removing them from our lives because of their own lack of presence.
This may seem heartless; I don't want it to be like that. If you were interested in reconciling or improving your relationship with your sister, I would give different advice. But the conversation you're imagining won't add much other than stress. I don't see how this will help any of you.
Dear Eric! You always give great advice and I learned a lot from reading your column. I would like to offer an additional suggestion to Our Last Reunion who is getting together with his siblings for Thanksgiving and doesn't want to waste time airing grievances and complaints about his parents.
When I get together with my brothers and sisters, this also happens quite often. I have found that having a safe word or phrase that the whole group knows helps a lot. When one of us realizes that the conversation is going in the wrong direction, we use a safe word. Everyone stops, laughs heartily at being caught, and the topic changes.
– Password
Dear Password: What a wonderful offer. It's easy to fall back into old habits or stray into dangerous conversational territory. A safe word allows anyone to gently sound the alarm and redirect without blaming or punishing. Love it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
Originally published:
