One of the pleasures of working in a place like this New Republic is that every now and then something appears from behind the transom that just makes us happy. This poem appeared on my computer screen on a Saturday in December. Who is this Clement Ogden Friendly? If you know anything about a) Christmas poetry, b) the great American humorous poets of the twentieth century, and c) the history of CBS News, you'll understand this. Let's just say he's very close to me.
Christmas in Bari style
Clement Ogden Friendly
Things were not very festive at the old CBS.
A hornet's nest of intrigue, a puddle full of sewage
Yes, the mood in Manhattan (the area) was bad.
On the Tiffany Network by Edward R. Murrow.
“We are dead,” said the joker. “There's smallpox in our house
I mean, Jesus Christ, on a cracker, we're losing to Fox.”
“Well,” said another, “we're destined to lose
Because everything we publish every day is fake news.”
“Fuck off,” shouted one of them, who was not easily embarrassed.
IN edited footage of Kamala Harris.
“You will soon see what we need,” shouted the second.
“Very soon a strong, mighty wind will blow here.”
The old days of Cronkite, Dance Schorr and Rather
The best thing to do now is to think that this is just chatter.
Today there is a new breed whose opinion matters most.
And they come from the kingdom we call Paramount.
Askinasi, Cheeks and Jeff Shell showed up.
And for some, they have a very ominous smell.
But even they were subordinate and a little jealous.
I envy the one whose name was David Ellison.
“Listen!” croaked the boss in his first universal Zoom
(He couldn't care less about reading the room)
“Pay attention, Akhtung, sit down and park it.
For my preaching about personal freedoms and free markets.”
“Oh!” Then he added, a little angrily:
“I almost forgot: you will also have a new boss.”
Pulitzer Prize winner? War correspondent?
Someone with a wealth of experience on Capitol Hill?
“Well, no,” said David. “She’s not one of those things;
Doesn't carry any of the baggage that these boring things bring.
They're all such old hats! And I feel the nation
These so-called “qualifications” are viewed with suspicion
“What we need is common sense. Someone who won't pause, uh,
Because of the crooks who lie about tariffs or the Gaza Strip
She will be everywhere among these awakeners, like squirrels on rice.
So, meet your new leader. Her name is Bari Weiss“
“Well, hello everyone!” – Bari said with a grin.
“Our time is wasted. Let's get to work.
Here's a big sensation that I won't spare any money on
About the supposed non-binary toilets in Spence.
“I also have sources who speak confidentially
And again – I will spend exponentially on this scoop
Because I believe it will spread like warm butter.
The chess club at Wesleyan is funded by Qatar.”
“Uh… boss,” the employee said, “that sounds… super cool.”
But we have some jobs that really can't wait.
There’s this article about Tom Homan that looks right at him.”
“Love it!” Weiss chirped. “He was treated so unfairly!”
This went on throughout October and November;
There were ransoms for those old enough to remember
Mike Wallace and Khomeini, Scott Pelley on Tenet,
Old-timers who will someday say, “I was there when that
Everything started to fall apart. I never thought
About this new breed of people from this place, Paramount.
No, as Christmas approached, the mood was gloomy.
For many who crossed paths with Weiss Bari's comma.
But it was necessary to part with the staff, and this is an indisputable truth.
The need to defenestrate those who are unreliable
She just had a certain squareness in her looks
IN pre-Christmas layoffsshe kept everything white.
There were some in Timea few lost souls,
Who knew her since then this play by Tom Cotton.
And on West 57th, the adventure was new every day.
During the reign of neo-MAGA singer.
“These people,” she told Nellie, “don’t see things through my lens.
His news research feminism's failures!
And, of course, no serious news giant
It's worth spending time on another “exposure” of CECOT!”
At the holiday party, she toasted her triumphs.
“This network management is not rocket science!”
Since there are few dissenters now, no one flew into a rage.
When she named the new morning news anchor: Erica Kirk.
So that's where it was, on the old CBS.
Where what the future holds was just a guess
And where some heads hang low in Manhattan (neighborhood)
On the Tiffany Network by Edward R. Murrow.
