My cousin older than me, and I always enjoyed a close relationship with her childrenDespite the fact that it does not live nearbyHer daughter was my daughter's bride's girlfriendAnd after we emigrated when she was a teenager I became A distant mentor – encourage her ambitions and invite her to spend Post-Soldate The year of the gap, using our house as base. She has an excellent independent series and I quickly found my legs And he became close to my children, some of whom now live next to her in the UK. We are all gathering together regularly when I visit Every summerShe always had access to our festive cottage, and we allow her to be left without rent in the apartment of the University of our daughter. While she saved on a mortgage.
I was delighted when she They engagedBut I have not heard anything for several months, except for a note from Her mother say They were looking forward to the wedding. Later it turned out that she decided have an intimate romanceOf course, it was sad for me by the field, but How they are there was no big budget I understandand watched the date comes and leavesField
I thought I Good about this, but then she sent me photo show All finishes “Correct” weddingWith playing her is wonderful day With “family and close friends”I am a field I felt absolutely devoid.
I tried to rationalize my emotional answerI am a field feel Stupid for investment Time, effort and goodwill in who does not “appreciate” him enough to include me in his life Key points. I don't feel As if I was once liba It is transactionally to be next to herAnd she has She voiced her appreciation, but something deeply damaged and upset me in this.
I had to edit your longer letter so that some of the softer edges are absent. WeddersMore than any other meeting, it seems, reveals something in people, perhaps because it is a union of two people, and this may seem completely exception when they enter their new life. Maybe you are worried that now you will not be so important for the daughter of your cousin?
You said that this is not transactionally, but I wonder if you are completely honest with yourself? I was also very generous with an expanded family, and I was also upset and disappointed. For me, these young members did not seem to “receive” the family as I felt what they should. This made me miss my parents and how it was. This made me feel perceived for granted and invisible, and this made me understand how I also perceived the elderly family members for granted. I wonder if you call anything from this? Not an invitation, it seems, caused a sense of real loss.
I went to the psychotherapist Chris Mills, who said: “One of the most difficult things is to find that the values that we believed, we shared with someone, turned out to be, or they are expressed differently.” I think this is a key: we do not always return what we give – or at least from the same people. “It can feel like a punitive refusal, betrayal,” said Mills.
I do not think your younger cousin excluded you; She just did not invite you. She could cope with this better and be more sincere, but perhaps she was worried about your reaction – it seems, for a good reason.
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“I suppose,” said Mills, “that the daughter of your cousin would invite you to her wedding if she and her husband chose a large party with a lot. For their own reasons, they did not do this. But she attached pain to send you photos and include you in her enthusiasm. She clearly appreciates her relationship with you, and probably sees that it is just as something symbolized, just something happened for one day. ”
Mills also said: “Now you know the daughter of your cousin better in a certain way than before. If all this can lead to the fact that you are no less loving and supportive, but perhaps more equal relations with her adults in the future, this will probably be the best result for both of you, as well as the best balm for your pain. ”
You have the right to feel how you feel. Families are hired. We do not enter all the time, and not everyone has the same book of rules. But there are still many cases ahead when she can surprise you and be more like a person you hoped.
Every week, Annalis Barburi solves the personal problem sent by the reader. If you want advice from Annalis, send your problem to ask. [email protected]. Annalis regrets that he cannot enter into personal correspondence. Materials are subject to Our conditionsThe field of the last series of the podcast Annalis is available HereField