Accusation: Audrey
Noah doesn't wash himself thoroughly enough – he just rubs a little gel on his body.
My boyfriend Noah doesn't wash well, but he thinks he does. I am a Nigerian and since childhood I have been told that I must dry my body thoroughly when I wash, otherwise I will not be clean. My sisters and I were advised to use exfoliating wipes and the right soap to wash yourself. Shower gel was banned in my house.
Meanwhile, Noah has a much more relaxed approach to hygiene. He doesn't use soap, but simply applies a little shower gel to his body. We've been dating for three years now, but I first started noticing it nine months ago when we moved in together.
However, it all started recently when Noah came to dinner with my cousin Femi. Noah, a Scotsman, asked Femi why there was a bucket in his bathroom. Femi explained that many Nigerians grow up with a bucket bath where water from a bucket is poured on you while you bathe. This is a very pleasant and thorough way of washing. Noah was amazed. Then I joked a few times about how bad he was at washing himself, and I think he got embarrassed. But it looks like it's time to raise this topic.
Noah is not unclean – he just doesn't wash well. No friction, no real penetration into cracks and holes: you just rub the gel on and hope for the best. He also doesn't bend over to wash his feet. He says, “The water will find its way there.” I find this strange.
Not exfoliating is also harmful to his skin. I bought him a clean shower sponge and he didn't use it. A couple of times I watched him shower and expressed horror at his technique; other times I just leave him alone because it's weird to be annoyed by the way your partner showers.
Noah always smells nice, but I think he needs to be a little more thorough. He laughs at how long I spend in the bath, but black hair takes a lot of love and I generally love showers. We have different needs, but I would like him to apply some of my proven tips.
Defense: Noah
I smell nice and I'm not unclean, so why does taking a shower feel like a full-on military operation?
Audrey grew up with a completely different approach to cleansing, and it's true that I've learned more about exfoliation in the last three years with her than I did in the first 30 years of my life. But while I'm grateful for her advice, I don't want to be forced to change my lifestyle unless there's a real problem.
Like Audrey said, I smell nice, so I'm not that unclean. “Different” does not automatically mean “wrong.” Just because I don't shower like I'm conducting a full-fledged military operation doesn't mean I walk around unwashed.
I shower and use body wash every day, but for some reason Audrey doesn't think that's enough. She just has different standards: she spends up to an hour in the shower, and sometimes longer if she has to perform a ritual with a full hairstyle. I support her, but I'm a guy with a shaved head who takes a quick shower. I don't have to repeat my cleansing ritual every time I get back from the gym.
The bucket bath was really interesting and I was genuinely fascinated by the whole process, but Audrey took the opportunity to set an example of how bad I was at bathing in front of her family. I just laughed it off at the time, but now I realize she actually has some problems with the way I wash myself. Audrey can criticize me all she wants, but perhaps it's best to do it in private.
Besides, I wash my feet. I just don't have to double over to rub my toes. And yes, I let the water run down my legs because that's what most people do. The idea that “water will find its way” is not an excuse; it's simple physics. When you shower, water and shower gel flow all over your body. I don't need to wash my feet either.
It's not a matter of hygiene, but a matter of technique. And technology is individual, cultural and varies greatly. I don't mind learning it. I just don't want to feel like I'm choosing chaos every time I step into the shower.
Guardian Readers' Jury
Should Noah abandon your trickle-down theory of washing?
Cleaning is not necessary, and often we are too clean, which can lead to eczema, asthma or autoimmune problems in children. However, we must wash our feet properly. This is one of the smelliest parts of our body. They need to be washed thoroughly and filed frequently to avoid calluses and mycosis. Some people's sneakers, flip-flops and crocs at the gym look and smell disgusting.
Anna, 51 years old
As long as Noah is clean and doesn't smell, he's fine. Although maybe wash your feet every now and then, mate. If Audrey is upset, she should stop staring, grab a washcloth, and help.
Alistair, 42 years old
If Noah showers every day and smells and looks clean, I'd say he's clean. This does not mean that he returns home after a shift in the pit and immediately goes to bed. How would Audrey like it if he told her to hurry to the shower or joked about hair rituals in front of the whole family?
Adam, 55 years old
While personal hygiene is important, it is a very personal matter. Audrey is somewhat extreme and aggressive in her demands. By the way, her public comment about Noah's personal habits is a violation of the trust agreement.
David, 73 years old
Cultural considerations aside, daily exfoliation is neither necessary nor very beneficial as it damages the skin barrier. As long as Noah keeps his genitals clean, odor-free, and free of skin conditions, his personal hygiene seems perfectly adequate.
Friederike, 60 years old
Now you will be the judge
Tell us in our online poll if you agree with Noah's arguments?
The survey closes on Wednesday 7 January at 9am GMT.
Last week's results
We asked if Peter should focus less on saving water..
61% one of you said yes – Peter is guilty
39% one of you said no – Peter is not guilty
