Sister still insists on buying gifts for everyone – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: My husband's family has a long tradition of buying Christmas gifts for small children rather than adults. It makes Christmas less hectic and allows us to focus on what's important: spending time together as a big extended family.

Several years ago, I suggested a similar approach to my extremely dysfunctional family. Most of them live in extreme poverty and bought gifts for every member of our extended family, which were often not well thought out and were quickly thrown away or given away.

I tried offering a gift exchange with names drawn on it for one year, and some people received no gift at all in the exchange, while the “gift giver” remained anonymous and accepted their gift without hesitation.

The following year I suggested that gifts should not be given to adults, but only to children, which has since remained the norm and has been quite well received.

Unfortunately, I have a close sister who still insists on buying everyone gifts. This makes me feel guilty and makes me feel embarrassed to buy gifts for her, her husband and 30 year old sons, wife and children.

I have repeatedly asked her to stop buying gifts for my family, but every year I receive a message that a package will arrive in the mail. I described how it makes me feel anxious, guilty and embarrassed if I don't reciprocate, but she continues. How can I deal with this?

– Feel like the Grinch

Dear Grinch: Your feelings are understandable. Gift giving has become a form of communication in your family (as in many families). And you and your sister don't communicate. No wonder you feel guilty.

However, now every time a gift arrives from her, it probably feels like a bill you have to pay, rather than what it was supposed to. Hence the stress. Try to take a “live and let live” approach. Your family has made an agreement; you told your sister personally what you would like in terms of gifts. And she ignores it. This is bad communication.

It may not be malicious, but it will help you think of it as something your sister is doing, even though you know it makes you feel uncomfortable. And you may feel less stressed. We cannot control the actions of others, and the actions of others cannot control our feelings, so remind yourself: “My sister does whatever she wants, but it has nothing to do with me.”

Feelings of embarrassment and guilt may still arise, but remember that they arise from an internal expectation, not from an external fact. It may seem counterintuitive, but your sister's gifts have nothing to do with you.

Dear Eric: I am an older gay man who was estranged from his family in his early years. Everything was fixed before my mother died, but my family members and I rarely communicate.

My mother had a tradition of giving all her children $50. After her death I continued this tradition, which became quite expensive as the family grew so large. I'm comfortable so I don't mind the expense, but only one parent recognizes the gift.

I've heard that thank you notes are going out of fashion.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here because this tradition is really dedicated to my mother, but should I continue to ignore the lack of recognition? I know that some of the grandchildren did not think that they received everything that was due to them in my mother's will. They may feel like it's a small reward.

– To give or not to give

Dear gift: See if you can free yourself from trying to manage anyone's feelings other than your own. Remember that a gift, more than anything else, is a symbol of good wishes, hope for the recipient and love. How it is received is beyond your control. This is good because it means you are not responsible for how your grandchildren feel about the gift.

This also means that if the act of giving doesn't have the desired impact on them or you, you can reevaluate it without feeling guilty.

“Thank you” is not a phrase lost in time. We don't need archaeologists to rediscover thank-you notes when there is plenty of evidence to the contrary. We do not give to receive gratitude, but gifts should be recognized. Gifts and thank-you notes are not debts, but forms of communication that are the foundation of healthy relationships.