I don’t want this to destroy my marriage – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: In 2020, my current wife and I got engaged. My mother is a nurse, has asthma, and has suffered profound mental and emotional stress during the pandemic. She didn't attend most wedding planning events and was always concerned about germs, wearing an N95 mask and keeping her distance.

My wife had the exact opposite reaction to the pandemic. For her it was more of a nuisance. There was no threat in her eyes. My wife began to feel abandoned by the person who was supposed to be her mother-in-law. She told me how much pain she was in and I told her it wasn't my mother's fault, that she was just petrified by the pandemic and it was the only thing she could do.

My wife told me I was on my mother's side. My wife sent hurtful messages and my mother just ended the relationship and blocked her.

My wedding was in October 2021. My mom braved a crowd of 155 people and showed up without a mask. I was so proud of her. But my wife was angry with her presence.

My wife and I still fight about this from time to time, and the fights are getting more intense. She still often says very hurtful things about my mother.

My mother had an extreme mindset, but considering she works in a nursing home and has asthma, it's understandable. According to my wife, this is impossible to believe.

I am writing to understand how to solve this mess. Was I wrong in the way I initially responded to my wife? I just don't want this to ruin my marriage.

– Harming husband and son

Dear Son: I'm rarely this open, but your wife is being unreasonable and she needs to get over it. Setting aside any debate about public health policy in the first year of the pandemic, it's unfair that your wife is angry at your mother for social distancing during a time of mandatory social distancing. Why is she taking the pandemic personally? Why couldn't she build a relationship with your mother that was sensitive to her feelings?

How do you solve this? Suggest couples counseling to analyze the problems between the two of you. A therapist can help you find new tools to communicate with each other.

At some point, it may be helpful to invite your mother to a session and try to rekindle that relationship. There is something your wife wanted and didn't get from her. It's understandable that she felt hurt, but she needs better and healthier strategies to cope with that pain.

Dear Eric: Several years ago I became seriously ill and had to be put into an induced coma. When I woke up, I spent two terrible months in a nursing home.

After I returned home, my husband provided me with invaluable help. He did everyday things like changing my colonoscopy bag and feeding me. I ate a lot of burnt waffles and toast, but he was there 24/7 for probably three months. Times were difficult, and we, to put it mildly, were not happy with each other. Don't get me wrong. If he hadn't helped me, I don't think I would be here.

But now, years later, I feel like his personal slave. I don't drive anymore since I got sick. He goes to the store every day to buy food. But now that I'm at home all the time, I cook every day. I used to enjoy cooking, but now I feel like a slave. I do laundry every day because he works out and plays pickleball. I know it's my fault, but mentally I can't find a way out. Any ideas?

– Trapped at home

Dear Home: It's not your fault. You and your husband have developed a pattern of behavior that does not suit you. Maybe it's because of illness, maybe it's because of problems in your marriage, or maybe it's something else entirely. But blaming yourself is unfair and will not bring you the solution you are looking for.

In any relationship, especially marriage, it is helpful to talk about the state of the relationship. This allows you to test what works and what doesn't and work towards the same goals in the future.