Opening a gift during the holidays while surrounded by onlookers can cause excitement or fear. The person giving you the gift most likely spent time, money and a lot of attention and care on choosing it. Ideally, you'll enjoy it, but you might be embarrassed, offended, a little scared, or disappointed.
What then? Feel a few awkward moments as you try to control your facial expression while trying to figure out what to say.
“There is a lot of pressure to give and receive gifts,” says Nicholas Schmitt, senior director of conflict resolution and training at Community Mediation Services, Inc., a nonprofit organization that helps people resolve conflict constructively. When he was growing up, his family took turns opening gifts, “so everyone would look at you while you opened,” he says. “You couldn’t just get lost in the chaos while everyone else was opening their gifts—you were the center of attention.” This led to several less than celebratory moments.
That's why Schmitt suggests setting yourself up for success by lowering your expectations in advance. If you go on vacation expecting a certain gift and you don't unwrap it, it will be very difficult not to look upset or sad: “Just because the box is the size of a PlayStation 5,” he says, “doesn't mean you'll get a PlayStation 5.”
We asked experts what's the best thing to say when you receive a gift you don't like, and it turns out two little words are all it takes.
Best answer…
If you've been dying to have an upgraded coffee machine and have unwrapped your third blender, look your mom in the eye and tell her, “How thoughtful!” These two words can go a long way toward avoiding hurt feelings while still showing appreciation for things that didn't live up to expectations.
“It's a true statement, even if you don't like it,” says Thomas Farley, an etiquette expert who gives seminars and talks on manners. “You acknowledge that someone took the time and effort rather than just calling, and you can actually stand by that statement without feeling disingenuous.”
Read more: 9 Ways to Make Holiday Gift Giving Less Stressful
Schmitt supports this proposal. He still remembers the time when he was in high school when all his friends asked for digital cameras. He wanted one too, and a relative delivered it—almost. “It was the right size for the camera, and it felt like it weighed like a camera,” he says. “I opened the package and yes, it was a camera, but it wasn’t digital and it wasn’t even battery operated.” He was crushed, and although he can't remember exactly how he reacted, he knows that he failed to hide his disappointment. “Looking back, I would have said something like, 'This is very thoughtful,'” he says. “How did you know I needed a camera?”
Keep in mind that the tone in which you thank someone for a gift matters almost as much as the words you choose. “Intonation is everything,” Farley says. There are the words “How thoughtful,” spoken in a sharp, sarcastic tone, and “How thoughtful!” filled with gratitude and warmth. Do your best to back it up with body language: smile and perhaps hug or pat the giver on the hand.
Backup options
The saying is true: it is truly better to give than to receive. Research shows we experience more lasting happiness when we give to others compared to when we receive a gift. Keep this in mind when responding to a gift: you don't want to deprive someone of their joy. “When you receive graciously, you give another person the greatest gift you can give, which is the ability to give,” says ethics expert Yonason Goldson, who runs a company that teaches business leaders how to build a culture of ethics. “Do you really want to break their spirit when they believe they are going to make your day better?”
Goldson has a few favorite proven answers to this situation. “They're all honest,” he says, expressing his gratitude. Among them:
- “I never dreamed I'd get one of these!”
- “How did you even find this?”
- “You feel so good thinking about it!”
- “I can hardly wait to use it.”
- “I wouldn’t have expected this in 100 years!”
It's also a good idea to be curious. After a sincere but kind initial response, Schmitt suggests moving on to the next question. For example, if you were given a sweater that doesn't match your usual style, you might ask, “What about it made you think of me?”
When Schmitt's grandfather passed away, his grandmother sent him one of his hats, but not the one Schmitt was expecting. He emailed her and asked what made her choose that particular hat for him, and she responded by telling the story of how her husband wore the hat and how it reminded her of her grandson. “I could just say, ‘Thank you, I love it,’” he says. “But then I would never have known this additional story.”
Can I ask to exchange it?
You might have liked the sweater your mother-in-law gave you if it were two sizes larger. It can be exchanged, especially if you have a gift receipt and can do it yourself, Farley said. “Put it on the next time you see them and they won't understand,” he says.
If you don't have a gift receipt, the situation is more complicated, but sometimes it's still worth mentioning. You could phrase it this way, he suggests: “I really like my new sweater and wanted to see if there was a way for you to get it in a different size that would fit me better.”
Read more: 4 word trick to say goodbye
“Think about the true intentions of the giver,” Farley says. “They want you to like it and they want you to be able to use it. If you can't because it's two sizes too small or too big, then I, as the donor, would rather know about it than you just bite your tongue and give it to Goodwill.”
There is another benefit of speaking up that can extend far into the future. “If you stay silent, you may be setting yourself up for a lifetime of buying something in the wrong size because you said it fit you perfectly,” Farley notes. By raising this issue in a kind and courteous manner, you help ensure that you don't have to hire “so caring” again.
Want to know what to say in a difficult social situation? E-mail [email protected]
