To you see them…
Plan breaks into your schedule
Spending time with difficult family members requires careful planning, says Katie Rose, a British Association for Counseling and Psychotherapy (BACP) registered therapist and founder Therapist. “If you're going to be staying with someone for three or four days, find a way to politely give yourself a break. Go for lunch with friends who live nearby, or book a ticket to a museum or National Trust site so you can get out of the house.” Tamara Hoyton, Senior Practitioner Relate to V Family ActionI agree that scheduling breaks is a good strategy. “Arrange a ride or offer to cook so you're away from the living room where everyone else is,” she says.
Practicesyou stay on the ground
“As we cope with difficult situations and conversations, it's important to stay grounded and present to prevent our thoughts and feelings from spiraling,” says the BACP-registered counsellor. Georgina Stürmer. Practice grounding exercises in advance so you can use them in difficult moments. Stürmer recommends the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. “Notice five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can feel, and one thing you can taste,” she says. “It helps us connect with the environment we are in, so we are more present and less anxious.”
Prepare safe topics to talk about (and ones to avoid)
From politics to parenting styles, there are many things you may not want to discuss with certain family members. Define what it is and offer some non-controversial alternatives. “You can even prepare a few phrases to say if you feel uncomfortable,” says Lucy Blake, author Home Truths: Facts and Fictions of Family Life and Senior Lecturer in Psychology at the University of the West of England, whose research focuses on family relationships. “Think about some likely scenarios and responses,” says Blake. You can try to redirect the conversation and keep it going, or say something like, “I think this is a difficult topic to talk about,” she suggests. Thinking ahead is the key to success, agrees Rose. “Be aware of difficult conversations. When you can spot the pitfall, it's easier to avoid it,” she says.
Bring on the stupid game
Arm yourself with distractions, such as group activities or games. But choose carefully—now is not the time for potentially controversial games like Cards Against Humanity. “Bring something harmless or funny to distract people, like trivia cards, a game, or music you want to share,” says Hoyton.
Gather your support network
At some point, you will probably have to voice your opinion about your family. Decide who you can lean on, which Blake describes as “rallying your troops.” This could be one person who understands your situation, or a WhatsApp chat with a group of friends—anything to “envelop you in as much kindness as possible,” says Blake. Also think about who your allies are at family gatherings. “Come up with a code word for times when you're struggling,” suggests Hoyton. “So if you're asking, 'Do we have bourbon cookies?', you're trying to say, 'Can you get me out of the room?'
Fill your cup
Plan some simple self-care activities that will help you feel good before stressful interactions. Think about “how you can bring yourself some joy,” Blake says, whether it’s cooking your favorite meals or reading a stack of great books. Rose echoes this and suggests eating nutritious foods, limiting your alcohol intake and getting outside for a walk or run so you can “come into this situation feeling good.”
Manage your expectations
“When researchers look at the different qualities of relationships,” says Blake, “less than a quarter of people have what we consider ideal relationships—close, warm, and supportive. It can be helpful to remind ourselves of what is actually typical.” Look back at previous interactions to “make realistic predictions” about what to expect – think about how you felt last time, what happened and what the trigger points were. According to Hoyton, we have higher expectations from family members than from friends, and we should remain realistic. “Accept that there are limits to how you get along with this person. Once you accept that, your interactions will be different,” she says.
Consider the best-case scenario
If you're dealing with relatives with whom you often argue or who hold opposing views to you, it can be difficult to let go. Hoyton suggests asking yourself: What do you want out of this? “Is it more important to try to change them or do you just want to preserve the family relationship? You may not like them, but at least you can handle it.” Visualization can be powerful, too, says Hoyton. Instead of thinking about something going wrong, visualize the situation in a positive way.
Immerse yourself in your feelings
Spend some time thinking about why you find this interaction difficult. “No one wants to spend time with a vindictive, aggressive, or judgmental person, but when you think about that person, notice what comes to mind,” Sturmer says. “These feelings could be anger, frustration, anxiety or embarrassment. I wonder why they arise. Are they based in the present or the past? Are they rational?” This kind of reflective thinking may provide some perspective, suggests Stürmer. “Once we develop this type of self-awareness, it becomes much easier for us to understand—and sometimes challenge—our reactions.”
On the big day…
Let them talk
When talking with a cunning relative, consider his interests. “Think about what they'll like to diffuse the situation,” says Hoyton. You can ask about a vacation they took or about their new job. “You may not be remotely interested, so by all means step away, but let them have their say,” says Hoyton. Asking open-ended questions allows the other person to take the lead, advises Sturmer. “A simple question: “What’s new with you?” or, “What have you been up to since we last met?” this is the easiest way to start. Responses such as “Tell me more about that” or “How did you do that?” must keep the conversation going.”
Take a deep breath
“It seems crazy simple, but breathing can make a difference, and the research behind it is powerful. For example, Marines are trained to breathe in a box to quickly change their physiology,” says Blake. Box breathing involves four steps, each counting to four: inhaling through the nose, holding the breath, exhaling through the nose, and then holding the breath. Sturmer is a fan of five-finger breathing: “Use the index finger of one hand to move up and down each finger of the other hand, slowly inhaling as you move up and exhaling as you move down.”
Assess your feelings
When things get tense or you feel your anxiety levels skyrocket, Hoyton suggests thinking about how you're feeling on a scale of one to 10, with 10 being “I'm about to scream” and one being “I'm really relaxed.” “Check yourself,” she says. “If it's a seven, think about what will help you get a six or a five. What do you need to do? Is it breathing? Distraction? Fresh air? All of these things are legitimate requirements.”
Use exit strategies
Sometimes the best way to avoid conflict or stress is to leave the situation. “Have a friend who will call you so you can say, 'Oh, I just remembered, I need to talk to Hannah,'” says Hoyton. Rose also recommends thinking about ways to “politely extricate yourself from situations.” She adds: “If you feel things are heating up, find a reason to step away, like go to the bathroom or put the kettle on. Give yourself some space to calm down.” At times like these, apps like Calm and Headspace can come in handy for quick meditation and breathing exercises. “If you avoid an argument, you won't end up in a situation where everyone gets screwed,” Rose says.
Acknowledge your feelings
“If you feel angry or upset during a family meeting, try being compassionate with yourself,” says Blake. “Appreciate that these moments of anger, resentment, disconnection, or isolation are common in family relationships, so let's not shame ourselves for them.” She recommends seeing Dr. Kristin Neff, who specializes in self-compassion and there is a website with various resources. “She has exercises where you put your hand on your heart and give yourself an encouraging, affirming, gentle touch and say something like, 'This is a moment of struggle, and this is a shared struggle.' This may be useful.”
After it's all over…
Write it down
After a stressful few days with your family, you may find that you can't stop thinking about how things went. In these moments, putting pen to paper can help. “If something makes us anxious, we may continue to chew on it and become obsessive. When you write it down, it's a way to get it out of your head. What did you experience? How did you feel? What helped you?” says Hoyton. Sturmer agrees. “There's a lot of evidence that writing out our feelings in a journal can help us feel less anxious,” she says.
Try therapy
If you're unhappy with your time with your family or feel like you keep repeating the same patterns with them, therapy can help. “Therapy offers a space where you can process how you feel and how you react to other people without fear of judgment,” Stürmer says. “I always strive to get to the root of why we feel a certain way, to notice why we react to certain people or situations in a certain way, where these feelings come from and how it might be if things happen differently.” “This can be short-term therapy or one session,” Rose says. “Even a small amount of time spent discussing issues can be beneficial.”
Think about your role
Once the dust has settled, it might be worth digging into what exactly happened and what your role was. “If you barge into a family environment and make a fuss, sometimes it's about apologizing and admitting where you went wrong or your role in that interaction,” Rose says. Perhaps there was nothing you could do to improve the situation—in which case, admit that too: “Sometimes family members are just difficult. Accept that nothing you do will change the situation, and focus on what you can control, which is your own actions.”
Recharge and relax
“Enjoy things that make you feel good and like yourself,” says Blake. “Unite with your troops—those people with whom you feel safe.” Blake suggests being very careful about how you spend your days afterward, whether you plan to talk to people on the phone or see them in person, or return to your normal routine and take up a hobby you enjoy. “Seek out people and places that relax your nervous system,” she says.
