Photo: Bravo
The SUR photo shoot was always designed for television, not real life. I'm not so against it. This is not a Ken Burns documentary. We know this because old photos from the photo shoot starring DJ James Kennedy (RIP), Jax Taylor (RIP) and Christina Kelly (RIP, both of her names) are not sepia-toned and shown in slow pans. This isn't PBS, thank God. I understand that we need fake events to reveal the very real behavior of these lab rats who sold their souls to get you to buy their favorite protein powder at a discount with code ChrisVanderPUMP10.
However, this episode makes me wonder if these kids actually fight over stupid things because they're actually upset about them, or because they're on the show. If these are the only fights they could come up with, are they complete idiots? Maybe. Marcus was still drying himself in the pool, leaving the towel thoroughly wet. Audrey says Chris (one of identical cousins) so old that he probably had an open Blackberry. As someone old enough to both joke about matching cousins and own a Blackberry, I'll let you know that Blackberries may have had sliding keyboards, but most of them didn't open. She thinks about the assistant. I mean open schools. Anyway, we're not dealing with neuroscientists here, except maybe new girl Angelique, who still waits tables with everyone else despite her advanced degree.
Angelica shows up in the middle of a photo shoot, and she clearly wasn't hired for her ability to use OpenTable while maintaining (sorry, SURving) her section. She was hired because she's hot, horny and the “H” word for how much she wants to be on a reality show. (Excited? In a hurry? Hungry?) At least she immediately collapses upon entering the room, making the best impression on both the audience and the new group of people she has to befriend.
This is not the main event of the photo shoot. This happens when Venus takes Marcus aside when he realizes that Marcus and Kim have gotten back together. “We never had any conversations about getting back together; we just got back together. Isn't that the beauty of a toxic relationship?” Marcus asks us in confession. Venus' problem is that he spent the entire previous night at Audrey's 22nd birthday party comforting Kim while she cried to everyone within earshot about Marcus saying he had fallen out of love with her. Well, after the party he definitely got into something.
Marcus, who fully admits that he is in a toxic relationship, tells Venus that it is none of his business and that he should avoid their problems. Sorry, but I think Venus has a legitimate claim here. If they keep running to him, monopolizing his time and talking about their shitty relationship, relentlessly getting back together, then Venus is completely justified in being sick of hearing about it. Marcus is so toxic that he actually tells Venus to stop listening, even though the two always tell him so. Like, sister, I would refuse if I could.
Then Natalie comes to us because she thinks she is the root of the problem. Well, of course, Natalie thinks so, because she is the main character’s energy accumulator. She just pumps it out of everyone she passes, so she's always 100 percent and it's always about her. Kim then comes over and says that the root of the problem is that Natalie crossed the line by texting Marcus. Then Natalie was like, “Didn’t you cry to me all night because of this man?” and then Kim says, “But he wasn’t my boyfriend then.” Natalie then asks, “But he’s your boyfriend now?” and then Kim said, “Why are you asking my boyfriend?” and then Lisa is like, “Your goodies are amazing,” and then Natalie is like, “But your boyfriend is talking to Demi,” and then Demi is like, well, she's not like anyone else. She just walked over there and picked it up NeNe Leakes “Why Am I In This?” GIF and then left.
This stupid fight escalates when Marcus writes to Venus that he sees a side of himself that he doesn't like and that he doesn't want to be friends anymore. “I don’t want to pretend and act like we’re cool, so no, don’t pretend to be who we are,” he writes. No please. Be fake! Why is everyone on reality TV worried about being fake? We all have to pretend to get through the day. Do I really care if the barista failed his economics exam? I mean, not really, but I pretend to make him feel better and maybe write my name without the “Y” on the rim of my coffee cup for a change. Falsehood makes the world go round, my friends.
Venus, without being a fake, reiterates his position that he is tired of hearing about these relationships that both work and fall apart indefinitely. Venus replies: “I don't want to hear about your clown relationship from you or Kim. You all look fucking stupid.” Meanwhile, Marcus and Kim believe that there is nothing wrong with their relationship. Marcus tells her that other than fighting, there are no red flags. Yes, idiot. Fighting is a red flag! How do you miss it?
Another point they miss is that Venus somehow doesn't fit into Marcus's reaction to him saying he doesn't want anything to do with him. Do you think he'll say, “Okay, cool. I'll completely ignore you on our next shift”? They then go to all the people Venus was talking crap about and tell them exactly what he said, which causes Venus problems with a group of people we haven't had the pleasure of meeting yet because they were either too boring, too thirsty, or too chopped up to make a final cut for casting. When Audrey explains to Kim that they started this and shouldn't have betrayed Venus' trust, Kim says it's not her problem that they think that way. Yes, but they wouldn't have any feelings at all if she and Marcus hadn't started this whole thing.
That's why part of me thinks this drama is just made for the cameras. This is so stupid. It's so obvious. It's like that everywhere. These are such low rates. But I also think it's real because it has to be. It would be one thing if that were the case Selling sunsetwhere Christine Quinn essentially decided that she would be a villain and take one on the team. But here they all look like villains. They all look stupid. Is it cool to be a villain now? Are they trying to outdo each other or are they all really like this? This is what I can't understand.
The final scene of the episode showcases what these kids do best: fight on rooftops. Venus tries to talk to Kim about how she told everyone that he was talking crap about them. Let's be clear: I fully believed that Venus said all this nonsense. Of course he did! I only met him three weeks ago and I already know that there is no one darker and honestly this is what gay liberation looks like and I fully support it. TO (error)to quote the greatest gay liberator, Oscar Wilde: what people say about you behind your back is none of your business.
Kim walks away from the conversation, Marcus pretends he didn't start it all and is completely innocent, and we're left with Venus stalking Gabby, a girl with extensions so bad she couldn't carry her bag for the reality show. Again, is this real or is it Memorex? (So, Audrey, Memorex is the brand of tape we used to record songs on the radio and… you know what? Whatever.) I can't believe it's real because it's so stupid, but it's so stupid it has to be real.
Thank Jesus the Catholic for these stupid friendly fights because the romance they are trying to force on these kids is boring. Chris and Jason are fun to watch, but their personalities make me yawn a lot. Chris goes on a horseback riding date with Audrey and my lower back was leaking the whole time, but I might as well have just turned off the sound and messed around a little because otherwise the scene didn't accomplish anything. Jason flirting with Angelique on the roof was like visual melatonin. I just didn't care.
We had a little more luck, and quite a bit, with Shane and Natalie. They went on a rock climbing date and it was very boring except Shane told us a story about his past and it was crazy. Apparently, right after he signed his first modeling contract, he and his best friend were “dating some guys” and got into a fight. His friend pulled out a gun and started shooting blindly, and instead of hitting the other guys, he shot Shane three times, puncturing his lung, breaking his spine and paralyzing him. Not since we heard Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney tell us about falling through a skylight and breaking her back have I had more questions that will never be answered. For example, why did they meet? What was the fight about? Why did your friend shoot without looking? Does this have anything to do with why Shane is sober? I mean, I need to know all this, but I have no interest because I'm afraid of the answers. Shane says he's telling this story to get girls to sympathize with him and lure them in, but honey, this story has more red flags than a gift shop at Zurich Airport. I heard this story on a date and saw it in real time.
This is pretty much what happens when he talks to Natalie at the pool party and wonders why she flirts with other guys. He says he believes communication is key in a relationship. She says she just falls in love with guys and gets into relationships right away and they never have to communicate. I mean, they're both clearly wrong. I agree with Natalie that they are at the point where they should just flirt and see what happens, but I think Shane is right that Natalie ends up in such a short relationship because she never communicates her emotional needs. However, I don't really care about it. It looks like this romance was determined not by lust, but by Lisa Vanderpump in her producer's cap. (Her producer's cap is an all-too-realistic Ken Todd mask.) What annoys me about these scenes is that it seems Love Islandwhere people talk more about how they are in a relationship than they show us what their relationship might actually be like. At least Kim and Marcus show us this mess instead of acting it out in slow motion, in their bathing suits lying by the pool, as if the only celebrity they know is Nikolandria.
As Natalie walks away from Shane, possibly for good, and Venus and some entity named Gabby throw themselves at each other, Katie Maloney, Schwartz Maloney pulls out her headphones, takes the sunglasses off her little cunt, closes the copy Shardsand packs his bag. Her beloved roof is destroyed again. She slips her manicured feet into slippers and shuffles toward the elevator, wondering who will check her parking lot. She doesn't have time for this. She knows how it starts, and more importantly, she knows how it ends. As she emerges from this melee, away from this group forever, she notices a skylight just outside the glass wall surrounding the pool. She looks at him as if she knows his soul, as if they are old friends. She knows disaster is coming, but this time she doesn't want to be near it.
