Even if you've never heard of relative preservation before, you've seen it in action.
I remember my mother talking on the phone almost daily to my paternal grandparents throughout my childhood. She was planning a family dinner with them. She bought them a birthday and Christmas gifts. Time passed and my parents separated. But by that time, her relatives were already like a second family for my mother. I recently learned that everything she did had a name: preserving kinship.
According to Psychology todayFamily custodian is a social role typically assumed by women that involves developing and protecting relationships with extended family members and friends. And while this sounds good in theory, during the holidays it can feel like another mental burden.
This is because the emotional labor of being the glue of the family, which our mothers, grandmothers, aunts and sisters so often undertake, is often undervalued. Now I think back to last Christmas and remember how tired my mother looked after it. This is because she took care of everything to make sure we had a magical day.
Preserving the Family is an invisible (but no less exhausting) work. This means maintaining constant contact with family and friends. This means remembering birthdays and other significant events. Just like my mother reminded her ex-husband when it was his mother's birthdaythousands of women continue to do the same with their partners.
In addition to managing and scheduling the family's social calendar, the family custodian is also expected to actively participate. At family gatherings and holiday parties, she knows everyone's circumstances and remembers to ask for updates about their lives. In short, she is always on top. All this mental effort is a burden that, especially during the holiday season, can lead to exhaustion.
This role will not disappear after Christmas is over. The family guardian does not give up his role just because it is December 26th. They may be doing it on a smaller scale, but it's a 24/7, year-long job.
In addition to the mental workload, there is also the physical work involved in keeping relatives together. Buying and wrapping gifts is not a quick or easy task, no matter how small it may seem, on top of the mental gymnastics required to choose the best gift for each family member, as well as taking everything into account. (And let's be honest: kinship guardians are usually their own Secret Santa Clauses too.) They prepare lunches and dinners. They organize and conduct family outings. They are the main source of childcare when school is closed for the holidays. It's no wonder that many women lose their minds in January.
