Therapist’s work is to listen, but not all words – music for their ears. Some indicate that customers do not take the process seriously; Others reveal misunderstandings that need to be clarified or deep -rooted beliefs that need to be fixed.
We asked a handful of therapists what phrases raised their wall, and why.
“I do not want to take too much time.”
When someone spends 15 minutes, apologizing for being in the office of Lauren Auer, they burn the exact time when they worry about spending wasted. “They appointed an appointment,” says Auer, a therapist in Peoria, Illinois. “They know how long it is, so this should not be apologized. This is literally my job. ” Nevertheless, she ultimately needs to devote part of the session to convince her client, whom they deserve to be there.
There may be the main beliefs of dignity in the game: “Often, this is rooted in the fact that they learned about taking place or being too big,” says Auer. If she and the client have not yet established a therapeutic connection, she mildly replies: “Let's talk about it. I hear from you … ”, but if they already know each other well, she may laugh remind them:“ This your meeting. You know, you do not need to apologize.
“This is probably stupid.”
Auer clients “constantly” warn that everything they are going to say “probably stupid” – before sharing something important then. She calls this type of qualifier a “killer of progress.”
“I want to be like“ Stop! ”She says. “You share something decisive, and even if it seems small or stupid, you raise it because this is not so.” She calls the habit of “independently to illuminate”, and for many years she has developed a strategy to press it in the bud. “I pretend that I spray them with an invisible bottle, like a cat, scratching furniture,” she says. “I have to train them and explain:“ You yourself will make them. ” And usually, with the clients that I saw for some time, I don’t even need to say anything – I just take an imaginary bottle, and they are: “Well, I know”. ”
“Sorry for the cry.”
Expressing these words “it is like apologizing for breathing in my office,” says Auer, but she hears them daily. Usually it reminds customers that “crying is actually really useful, and this means that they feel safe enough to bring their guard, which is a good sign of healing.”
Read more: Stop talking to these 5 things to people with social anxiety
When someone clearly feels bad in all water work, Auer smiles and says: “Hey, crying is not allowed in therapy,” so this is clear that she is joking. “Usually it laughs, and it can break a spiral of shame,” she says. “This helps them understand how ridiculous it sounds to apologize for screaming in therapy.”
“I must be over this to this time.”
When people suggest that they should go through everything that they pass, “they shame themselves for the fact that they are people and have a very normal healing schedule,” says Auer. “People often think that the treatment of therapy should look like healing of a broken bone: it should be linear, increasing progress, and then you are fixed and made. But healing does not look like that. “
When this happens, Auer is trying to point out positive shifts in the behavior of his customers. For example, someone can be upset from the situation that caused them, and complains that they resorted to an unhealthy mechanism of overcoming. She replies: “Well, this time you learned that it was unhealthily faster than the last time, and then you stopped.” Or: “Right now you tell me about this that it is much better than keeping it inside and not tell anyone. This is progress. “
“I don't know.”
Nicole Herwei is used to hear three different variations “I do not know.” The first adheres to the literal meaning: “You thought about it, and you tried to understand this, but you have absolutely no idea, and you are stuck and need help,” says Herway, therapist in Murray, Utah. She would prefer the clients to say this directly: “Because we want to see that you tried to solve your own problem, and not come to us, saying:“ I did not think about it, ”she says.
Herway customers use the second version “I don't know” when they want to close the conversation, because it is inconvenient. She would prefer them to express their feelings: “I am not ready to talk about it.”
The third option, according to her, comes from people who would prefer not to push themselves to self -reflection. “This is because they do not believe that they have the ability to find out,” she says. “This is rather self -esteem, the problem of self -confidence.”
When customers tell her that they “do not know”, she teaches them to paraphrase this. “You can’t just throw it away”, I don’t know ”and thinks that I come to save you without knowing,” she says. “We must find out why you don’t know what you are standing behind.”
“What should I do?”
According to Hervey, only your grandmother can have a certain response to this request, because she probably has many opinions. Therapists, on the other hand, “have absolutely no concept – and we should not know what you should do,” she says. “We are here to give you the opportunity to make decisions for yourself, try things and fail, study and grow.”
The best way to express things, adds Herway, – ask your therapist: “Can you help me consider some options?” They will be happy to do.
“Nothing is changing.”
There are several reasons why these words are so bad. “First of all, I would say:“ Hold on: is it really true? ” – says Herwei. “Most things change in small increments, and often, when people say that they never change, they are trying to self-free their growth, because it does not happen in their schedule.”
Read more: The worst things to say to the daffodil
Instead, try asking your therapist: “I feel hopeless and helpless. Can we delve into why? ”
“This is where we are exploring expectations,” says Herwei. “What, in your opinion, was supposed to happen? Because if you say that nothing will change, this is because you had some expectation of what was supposed to happen. ”
“Therapy has never worked for me.”
Clients often ask Lisa’s show to make promises or guarantees of therapeutic results. They could add that therapy never worked for them in the past – so why is this this time? “They are trying to hook me to say:“ Well, this Therapy will work for you, ”says the show, a licensed professional consultant in flagstaff, Arizona.“ I absolutely want it to work, and I also want to instill in the hope that it may work. But at the same time, I cannot promise that it will be that which is suddenly useful. ”
She adds that the therapist is a joint relationship that requires participation and work on the part of both parties to succeed.
“I'm just going to accept this call very quickly.”
You can be surprised at how often customers check their phone throughout therapeutic sessions, text text messages or hopeless phone calls. “They will be a little preoccupied with this, and will receive a notification after notification, and even if they have it on a chair, I hear how it buzzes,” says the show.
Read more: 7 things say when someone ignites you
So what is this etiquette when using the phone during therapy? Ideally, customers fall in the device and throw it into their bag, says that it is if they need it (or wants to refer to a specific text that can be useful for its type of vorbatim). Thus, they are not distracted and can give themselves space “to do something a little different than we do the rest of our lives,” she says.
Want to know what to say in a difficult social situation? Email [email protected]
