Feeling alienated in the company of others can happen to anyone, at any time.
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As the holiday season approaches, one Dear David reader is dreading being alone this Christmas. She says it's not that she misses friends or family, but that sometimes the forced fun at work parties and family get-togethers puts her off. “I feel like I’m the only person who’s not having fun,” she says. “I don't want to be a party animal, but I find it hard to get into the holiday spirit when I'm already struggling with my mental health. I end up feeling lonelier than if I stayed at home.”
Feeling alienated in someone else's company – by name “existential isolation” in psychological literature – can happen to anyone at any time in life. Psychologists define it as the feeling that no one sees the world from our point of view or understands how we feel, even when we are surrounded by other people. Those who score high on measures of existential isolation are in greater risk of conditions how depression tends to be less responsive to treatments.
The irony is that many people probably feel the same way, but we assume that our pain makes us different, so we don't share our feelings, which contributes to our feelings of isolation. That's why psychologists now encourage people to develop a sense of “common humanity” when they're feeling down. Simply put, it's recognizing that others can be in our situation, so we don't have to feel like a failure because we're just not happy.
Fostering a Sense of Common Humanity I can explain Why “equal support” groups that bring together people facing similar problems tend to be very effective in improving people's well-being. They free you from that feeling of existential isolation, which provides its own comfort, independent of the practical help they can also offer.
If you're feeling existentially isolated this holiday season, simply reminding yourself that you're not alone in this experience can help. This is the main part “self-compassion” training, and there are many online resources to help you do this through written exercises or guided meditation.
Moreover, you might consider breaking the taboo by sharing your feelings, even if it doesn't seem very festive to you. Research shows that you may be surprised by how people react. Research studies “beautiful mess effect” show that we are often unduly pessimistic about how others will react to our problems. We assume that we will be seen as weak, when people are more likely see courage – and they may even share very similar feelings themselves.
What about these parties? Don't be obligated to accept every invitation and focus your energy on the ones that are most likely to create a sense of connection. Coffee with a trusted friend can be much more rewarding than a holiday disco. Christmas is a time of goodwill, and you can start by directing that kindness towards yourself.
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David Robson award-winning science writer and author Laws of Communication: 13 Social Strategies That Will Change Your Life
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