The party costumes the actors come up with will inspire gay Halloween fans for years to come.
Photo: Bravo
You can tell a lot about a person by the costume he wears to a fancy dress birthday party that has no right to be as dressed up and dressed up as he is. When Whitner (who is still not Whitney, because Whitney is in London and he didn't even invite me to hang out) throws a party where everyone has to dress up as a literary figure – writer or character – our best friend Molly decides to dress up like Gandalf, wearing a giant gray sack with a huge gray hat and a huge gray beard. It hides not only her face, but her entire body. It's like the lint tray in your dryer after you've completely washed your sweatpants. Molly is a gorgeous girl, but of course she chose a boring costume that suits her personality. It's like Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls in his scary but ugly costume.
Meanwhile, Venita, who was helping Whitner get ready for the party, arrives as Medusa in a green sequined dress and a small cobra tiara. Sorry for not giving it to Gorgon. Venita doesn't turn anyone to stone. Also, wasn't Medusa's lower half (at least Clash of the Titans version) reptile? Venita looks more like Cleopatra. TSA hat than Medusa. Then Sally shows up with her extra. E and a costume that makes her look like the shooter girl from Westworldbut she kisses Kate Barlow from Holes. Shep, like me, doesn't know Holes because we were 24 when this children's movie came out. Sally also doesn't realize it's a literature-themed party, or remembers too late and shouts, “It was a book first.” This leads to a hilarious conversation where Sally asks if Shep knows “holes” and of course he does, but he also couldn't find the clitoris with both hands and a flashlight.
Molly describes her differences with the girls perfectly: “Some girls dress like Sally and Venita. Some girls dress like Gandalf.” Yes, and we want to hang out with Gandalf every time. That's why Molly is great on television: she knows who she is and is true to herself. Sally thinks she's a great TV presenter because she's messy. But clutter gets old and authenticity becomes gold. Never forget. However, I love the brewing hatred between Molly and Sally because #TeamMolly4Lyfe. Even if she's a hoarder who lives among the skeletons of her squashed cats, Molly is much cooler than Sally. Molly is angry that Sally talked crap to Madison about her behavior at Madison's baby shower and that she seems to be challenging every dude in Charleston. Sally is angry at Molly because Molly's name has the right number of vowels, and also because she talks crap about her to everyone in the group but “blows up her phone” as if they were best friends. But in reality, everything is much deeper. It's the hatred of a band fan against a fan and vice versa, and these two will simply never get along.
Sally seems to be having a hard time keeping her friend Venita, too. The day after the big singles party, Venita goes to lay by the pool with Sally and asks Sally if she is interested in Craig. Sally gives a vague answer like, “I think he's hot and I like to flirt with him.” She tries to act like she's not being pressured, but if she's not being pressured, then why was she making fun of Charlie about talking to Craig at the party? Sally is either being a jerk to Charlie, pretending that she's more into Craig than she really is, or she's being a jerk to Venita, downplaying how much she likes Craig because she knows Venita has a (legitimate) problem with him. Anyway, Sally is a dork, Molly is right, we love her, her tiny tuba and huge gray beard, and that's all we have to say about it.
Sally also appears to lose to Craig, who visits Charlie at the art gallery where she works. I think this is what I like to call “resort art.” You know those places near the beach that sell watercolors of lighthouses, or those cheesy galleries in Paris that display sentimental photos of the Eiffel Tower? Meanwhile, Craig is looking for, quote, “a really big painting of a tiger, penguin or polar bear.” Does he want to live in second class? He makes some progress with Charlie, but in this episode she says she and her mom are “best friends.” Ehhhhhhh. Sorry. Red flag. Being close to her mother is great, but if her mother tried so hard to be her friend, she wouldn't know how to set and maintain proper boundaries. Another red flag: she dressed like Daisy Buchanan from The Great Gatsby because she wanted to look pretty and, like Craig, she asked ChatGPT to give her costume ideas. Doesn't she realize that Daisy, while beautiful, is quite literally the villain in the story?
Austin pretends that he, too, would rather be single. He tells Craig that he's having some kind of FOMO, which, if you don't know, is an acronym that stands for Fewer Processed Omelettes. Austin says if his girl looks like an egg dish, he doesn't want to remake her because he already has good enough at home so he doesn't need to look for something better. No, wait. This is wrong. Are we sure this is what FOMO means? Anyway, Craig says he's having a good time kissing people and Austin is jealous. He also admits to Madison that when his girlfriend Audrey is away, he doesn't miss her that much. Madison says that when you think about your partner, you should think that you won't even be able to breathe if he's not there. Are we sure about this? There is nothing I love more than when my husband goes away for a week. Of course I miss him, but isn't it wonderful to make a mess, turn the thermostat where you want it and take up the whole bed? There is a balance. But she's right that at this point in Austin's relationship, he should be much more interested in her than he actually is.
Between the two parties we have some real estate breaks. We get a tour of Shep's new beach house, which has four bedrooms and four bathrooms and costs $3.5 million. Then we get a tour of Madison's new home, which has six bedrooms, seven bathrooms and a pool and costs $3.9 million (though the old house was nicer on the outside). What lesson did I learn from this? I need to get some money from reality TV. Hello Andrew Cohen. You need me to come in and save Fragment? Would you like me to be one of Ladies of London? I'm ready to stop being bitchy on this side of the camera and be bitchy on the other side. Put me in there, coach, and buy me one of these giant houses.
However, the star of Shep's scenes is Rodrigo, Shep's interior designer. Shep takes him to his parents' house so he can go through their garage and use whatever art, rugs, furniture, and other knick-knacks they have stored there. Typically, an interior designer makes money by purchasing furniture for a client, getting a 15 percent discount from the wholesaler, and then charging the buyer the full price. If Shep takes advantage of all this free crap, how does Rodrigo make money? Is he paid hourly? Is being on the show and paying for this storyline enough? Does he think Bravo's salary is part of what Shep should be paying him? However, Shep's parents have great taste and I can't wait to see what Charleston's sexiest gay man does with Shep's house. I also liked his line: “Shep's parents probably think at this point in his life that he's going to have a wife and kids and a big house. Instead, he brings his gay designer to rummage through his parents' things they no longer need.”
Rod also appears wearing a T-shirt that says “Pretend I'm Don Quixote”. Just like you know Molly had a Gandalf costume hanging in her closet from some previous nerdy event, you know Rodrigo had this shirt from some stupid gay party he went to a year ago. It was probably called something like “Papi Parade” and you had to dress up as the sexiest Spaniard you could think of, and our guy Rodrigo saw that he could repeat the joke.
At the party, Whitner looks cute as Ernest Hemingway, but given that he chose the theme, I thought he would have a much better costume. He was beaten by Austin, whose silly Hermione Granger is the ideal kind of low-stakes drag that more straight guys should invest in, and Craig, whose Rufio is the ideal kind of high-stakes drag that most gay guys invest in on the first night of Halloween weekend (aka Halloween weekend). Craig sticks to the look and is as handsome as ever with a pompadour hairstyle, some eye makeup and a touch of schmutz on his well-defined arms. There are two problems here. First of all, no one knows that he is Rufio from Hook. Secondly, this is a movie, not a book, and no, Rufio wasn't in the original. Peter Pan. Either way, I can't wait until October 30th of this year to wear the same outfit and write, “I hate gay Halloween, what do you mean you're dressed like Craig Conover as Rufio from a mediocre episode of the show?” Southern Charm?
The winner of the costume contest, of course, is Madison, who appears as Shep Rose with a copy of his book placed in her purse. This is wonderful. It's similar to how Shep named his dog Craig; This is both an honor and an insult at the same time. Madison beat him at his own game and I love how she never takes her foot off his neck but at the same time looks like she's honoring him.
At the party, it's not Shep and Madison who are fighting, but Austin and Craig, and it's a fight about absolutely nothing. It's a fight over less than nothing. I'm guessing this is a fight over some footage? Austin is snarky about Craig hanging out in the hot tub with Sally, and that's his right. Craig says Austin is jealous because he's single and Austin isn't. Craig then, as usual, takes it to a whole other level by talking about Austen living a lie when in reality all he has to do is break up with a girl he doesn't really like. I don't know how it escalated into a fight or why I agree with Craig. However, I think we'll see the fallout next week when Madison LeCroy, dressed as Shep Rose, says, “So here we go, boats against the tide, continuously transported back in time.” Everyone at the table, including Charlie, will look at her as if a big language model had just flown out of her brain.
