I am a very lucky person who has a huge number of reasons for happiness and gratitude. But although I have many wonderful friendsI have had very few romantic relationships. I'm 36 now and later After 10 years of active dating, I decided to become a single mom by choice. It was a very positive decision for me and I am very excited about this journey.
During the preliminary psychological consultation, the psychologist spoke about the grief that many women in my position feel due to the lack of family they hoped for. For. Although I was aware of this and worked hard on self-acceptance with my therapist, I now feel deep sadness and regret that I was unable to form a relationship with someone who wanted to have children with me. In the groups of my friends and colleagues, this sets me apart from most women my age. I I envy the communication and support my peers receive from their partners.
The other day, a colleague told me that she was expecting a child. I was happy for her, but for the rest of the day all I wanted to do was there was a cry. I felt completely alone. I was workingquite successfully, overcome the feeling of unattractiveness, but this seems more difficult to overcome. I still want to implement my plan, but would appreciate it a guide on how I can learn to live with it. I also sincerely desire to be a psychologically healthy parent to the child/children that I have great hope for.
I would really like to know where this feeling of “unloving” comes from? You put so much thought into this—much more than many women entering motherhood in a more traditional setting. This shows that you are a deep thinker and are more likely to be a “psychologically healthy parent.”
Psychotherapist Julia Bueno says there's been a “reactivation of what's unlovable, and that's the main thing you might want to look at. When you think about becoming a parent, it's quite common to think about childhood things.” Bueno mentioned American psychologist Janet Jaffe, a specialist in reproductive trauma, who “says that we all come into the world with a reproductive story about whether we want to have children. We carry with us an idea of what kind of adults we are going to be – in your case, maybe getting together with someone and having children, but that was prevented.”
It appears that you have been offered specialist 'consequences' consultation at your clinic, which in certain situations is a requirement in clinics licensed by the Human Fertilization and Embryology Authority. Bueno thinks your psychologist “was wise to bring up the 'what's lost' topic because single expectant mothers often feel this way, and that feeling of loss can sometimes be pushed aside by trying to 'move on and be positive.'”
Bueno and I have picked up on your commendably positive attitude and how grateful you are. But remember: While “it's a positive and rewarding feeling to cultivate,” Bueno says, “it's entirely possible to feel it along with all the other negative or less easy feelings.”
The fact that you felt like crying because of your colleague's news means that you have some strong feelings, perhaps still a little overwhelmed. You may be feeling, “Why them and not me?” All this is real.
I recently shared some dark and ignoble but real feelings with someone I trusted, and it was a huge relief. Since then I have felt lighter. Trauma can make you feel very lonely, so talking and connecting is a great antidote to this feeling.
Bueno suggested “writing a letter to your grieving self from the perspective of a compassionate other, acknowledging how things have changed and what you've lost, but reminding yourself of your strengths and the potential for a happy but different form of family.”
Bueno also suggested that “seeking support for single moms can help you find strength and understanding. Your clinic can often help you connect with them; also see gingerbread.org.uk And Network of donor concept”. She also recommended Book by Susan Golombok. We are family.
Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal issue submitted by a reader. If you need Annalisa's advice, please send your problem to: [email protected]. Annalisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our conditions. The latest episode of Annalisa's podcast is now available Here.
