For months after her relationship ended, Anna* couldn't stop thinking about him.
Every morning she woke up with a feeling of grief; a strong, almost physical feeling that turned into thoughts about him that consumed almost every waking hour.
Most nights she fell asleep replaying replays of conversations in her mind and imagining reconciliations.
For many people, such a desire falls within the realm of ordinary romantic longing. One who is often mourned in poetry, music and cinema. But for Anna, what began as a familiar pain gradually intensified, becoming almost unbearable.
“It seemed aggressive,” she says. “It was as if my own mind was haunting me.”
At first, Anna thought she was just trying to break up with her ex-partner. But when the obsessive thoughts got worse, she turned to her GP for help. This is not just an ordinary desire, the therapist told her. It was fame.
The term was coined in the 1970s by psychologist Dorothy Tennow, who documented people who experience an irresistible, involuntary fascination. Half a century later, the concept is resurfacing, reinforced by technology, loneliness and the therapeutic language now embedded in everyday culture. Limerence is not a clinical diagnosis and is not recognized in the DSM-5, the main reference for mental health and brain conditions; it is a descriptive concept rather than a disorder.
Orly Miller, a psychologist and author of Limerence: The Psychopathology of Loving Too Much, which will be published next month, describes it as “an intense psychological state of obsessive longing for another person.”
“It is characterized by obsessive thoughts, emotional dependence, and a strong desire for reciprocation,” she explains. “Unlike ordinary attraction or infatuation, fame involves obsession, emotional instability and disruption of daily life.”
She adds: “In today's digital world, uncertainty and intermittent contact – the very conditions that foster fame – are everywhere. Social media keeps people hovering on the edge of connection, fostering fantasies and emotional ambiguity.”
This cycle can feel like compulsion: constantly checking phones, replaying memories, idealizing moments, and imagining future encounters. “It’s not just in the head,” Miller says. “It's a whole-body response to stress. The nervous system becomes dysregulated, oscillating between excitement and panic.”
Associate Professor Sam Shpall, who teaches moral philosophy at the University of Sydney, cautions against viewing celebrity as merely pathological.
“Tennov rejected the view that fame is inherently unhealthy,” he says. “Yes, it is a special form of human aspiration, transformative and sometimes destabilizing, but not necessarily bad…
“It’s a perennial theme in literature and art—the ecstasy and agony of this special form of desire for someone who may or may not want you.”
Limerence overlaps with what researchers call passionate love, a normal, often intense stage of early romantic development that is often compared to addiction.
Dr Emma Marshall, Deputy Director of Adult Science, Deakin University Relationship The lab says passionate love is a common and powerful experience.
“Passionate love should be adaptive and beneficial to the relationship—passionate love should promote the formation of a secure attachment.”
Marshall notes that although Tennov's theory of celebrity has not been frequently studied, related concepts in relationship science such as obsessive romantic love or “compulsive love” show that passionate love becomes troubling when it “becomes an obsession that disrupts daily functioning, well-being, and occurs in unsatisfactory and unhealthy relationships.”
In moderate forms, fame can be beneficial and even creative, Miller says. But when fantasy replaces reality, it can lead to deep ruptures in relationships.
“Fantasy offers solace,” she argues, “but it distances you from reality and from yourself. The known object becomes a screen onto which we project everything we strive for…
“People may believe they have found their soulmate or twin flame. However, what they are really encountering is disowned parts of themselves.”
Clinical studies are still lacking, but Marshall says fame is thought to be fueled by insecurity and is different from other feelings because “the experience is uncontrollable.”
“If passionate love is not reciprocated, it will of course cause strong and intense negative feelings, but these should dissipate over time, especially when new people are found who meet the needs of the relationship.”
Phoebe Rogers, a clinical psychologist, says some people may be more vulnerable to such experiences. “For those who have experienced trauma, one-sided, unrequited love or unsafe, unhealthy forms of love were often modeled at an early age,” she says. “People with a more insecure attachment style are thought to be at greater risk.”
Limerence becomes unhealthy when it interferes with work, relationships, or self-esteem.
“If thoughts about others are dominating your life, if you are in trouble and cannot stop despite trying, then help is needed,” says Miller.
Therapy can help people regulate emotions, recognize idealization, and understand the attachment wounds that fuel obsession.
Romance of the chase
“Art and popular music commonly refer to perseverance as a virtue,” says Shpall. “In fact, persistence in violating established boundaries is a reliable indicator of harm. Limerence does not justify it.”
Miller agrees: “We've been taught that the highest form of love is intensity. Movies, music and even self-help culture romanticize the chase, the longing and the pain. But real intimacy is about safety and reciprocity, not emotional chaos.”
For some, the forces that enhance connection, such as intimacy, technology and emotional uncertainty, can blur boundaries. What begins as longing can, under conditions of stress or rejection, develop into repeated contact or attempts to reestablish intimacy in boundary-crossing ways, such as stalking.
Miller emphasizes that fame is not the same as stalking or erotomania, a psychological condition associated with some types of stalking.
“In erotomania, a person has a persistent delusion that another person loves him,” she says. “Famous people usually know that their feelings may not be reciprocated. Their behavior, such as constantly checking someone's social media, is driven by anxiety, not control or anger.”
Accepting fame can be liberating, Miller said. “When people realize that this is not love, but fame, they begin to restore their energy.”
“They may ask, what is this desire really about? It often points to forgotten parts of the personality – unmet needs for recognition, security or excitement.”
Rogers agrees that fame often reflects unmet needs. “We all have a desire, a longing for love, connection, intimacy, security with another,” she says. “Often it’s satisfying a deeper, underlying need.”
While popular psychology tends to pathologize fame, philosophers like Shpall see it as a key to unlocking human meaning. “To experience fame is to confront desire in one of its rawest forms,” he says.
“This experience reveals something about the shape of our vulnerability and our desire to be seen. It is too common and too widely valued to be conceptualized as simply a problem.
“Perhaps the goal is not to eliminate fame but to cultivate it intelligently—to appreciate the intensity of human feelings without being swayed by them.”
*Name has been changed
