If you can't find the words to tell your significant other it's over, it's not about you—the point is that there's nothing harder to start than the breakup conversation.
Here's what Morgan Cope learned in her early 20s: “I was so worried I physically couldn't say anything,” she recalls. Now an assistant professor of psychology at Central College in Kentucky who researches breakups, she developed a framework that was both clear and compassionate to make it easier for people to stand their ground rather than cajole them into trying again.
The result: a five-step script she calls the “breakup butterfly.” based on relational theory and dataand what she describes as “detailed and worthy.” If you decide to use it, start preparing your partner a day (or a few hours) in advance by letting him know, she advises: “Hey, I'd like to talk. I've been thinking about some things.” In addition to not taking them by surprise, it can also hold you accountable to actually follow through. If possible, make sure they eat beforehand as this will help regulate emotional reactions, she adds.
We asked Cope to tell us the five steps of her breakup script and how to apply them to your own conversations.
1. Say it out loud
How to start a conversation about a breakup? According to Cope, they make it clear what exactly is going on. Instead of broaching the topic and confusing your soon-to-be ex, be upfront about ending the relationship. Some of her favorite ways to phrase it are: “I don't want to be in this relationship anymore,” “I've been thinking and thinking about this a lot and I can't be in this relationship anymore,” or “This relationship doesn't make me happy anymore.”
Read more: The Worst Opening Lines on Dating Apps—And What to Say Instead
“The goal is to not place blame on the person, even if it was troubled,” she says. “This is for clarity, because sometimes people make you reject them two or three times.”
In the days leading up to The Talk, practice your opening speech—to friends, to your cat, or just in front of a mirror. This will help you become more comfortable and confident.
2. “You and I mattered.”
The next part of the conversation is about acknowledging your partner and the relationship you shared. Cope recommends telling them, “You really changed my life,” or “Our relationship meant a lot to me.”
“What you don't want is to make someone feel invisible or belittled, especially if it's a long-term relationship,” Cope says. Even if you cancel situation For your own mental health—and maybe the other person doesn't feel the same—”at least you know you said what you felt,” she says. “This applies to you and them.”
3. Compression
This is the part of the conversation where you explain exactly Why you want to end the relationship. Calling it a “compression” is “inspired by what my brain and body feel when I start talking about the specifics of my emotions,” Cope says. “Some people are more or less comfortable talking about these details, but it's important that you actually name why you no longer want to be in the relationship.”
Read more: 8 things to say during an argument with your partner
Try phrases like this: “I'm unhappy because…”, “I don't feel fulfilled because…” or “This isn't working for me anymore because…”. Don't insult your ex, Cope warns. Focus on explaining reasons that relate to your experience rather than its shortcomings: you can't spend enough time together; your personalities are incompatible; you imagine a different future.
4. Zoom out
By this point, you've discussed the nitty-gritty details of your ill-fated relationship—all the reasons why it ended. After that, “you have to kind of pull yourself, as well as your partner, out of that hole and get them to a resolution to the conversation,” Cope says. For example, you could say, “So, for these reasons, I am ending our relationship.” Or: “As you can see, this doesn’t work for me.”
The idea is to move from “those low-level details to higher-level understanding,” Cope says. “It brings those details together and prepares you to have the last word.” This is an important interim step that contextualizes the facts of the breakup and helps you prepare to end the conversation, she says.
5. Open the floor
Once you've said everything you want to say, it's usually helpful to give your partner the opportunity to share what they're thinking and feeling. (If there's an unhealthy dynamic at play and the other person is losing their cool, you can skip this step, Cope cautions.) If you do decide to proceed, frame your invitation as, “Now that you know how I feel, I'd like to hear what you think.” Or, “I’m willing to discuss your reaction, just know that I have made my decision.”
Depending on how the conversation goes, these five steps may be a circle rather than a linear trajectory, Cope adds: “You may have to go back to step one and repeat, 'This relationship doesn't make me happy anymore, and you're done.' Sometimes people need to hear it more than once.
Read more: 11 questions to ask on a first date
Your last words—the ones that get you out the door—depend on whether you ever want to talk to your ex again. If they're clearly in shock and having a hard time processing the news and you're ready to maintain a good relationship, you can say, “I feel like we've discussed as much as we can right now. Why don't we meet again in three days?” Or, “Why don’t we meet again next week and talk about this?”
However, if you don't want to see them anymore, that's your right. End the conversation by saying, “I feel like this is counterproductive right now,” or “I’ve said all I can say and have nothing more to say. I'll have to go.”
“You can always get up and leave,” Cope says. “I want people to know that someone's reaction to a breakup is not their responsibility, but your responsibility to craft your breakup narrative in a way that is honorable for both the other person and yourself.”
Want to know what to say in a difficult social situation? Email [email protected]
