My friend only ever wants to talk about herself. Should I cut her off? | Friendship

I'm already friends with a woman over 20 years, overcoming many challenges that I admire. However, sheConstantly overwhelmed by people. Her husband left herand it was a huge shock. A at that moment many of her friends disappeared how they were only interested her husband. This surprised her. She did more try to be my friend, and I must have realized more clearly what friendship is.

For years later, many of her friends have disappeared and sheI don't know why. Her last employer turned his back on her even though she was excellent employee, and she left without knowing what has changed.

Recently weBoth are already retired and we see each other more oftenbut I believe that my role in the relationship as an audience. I open up topics of conversation, and she changes them to something that interests her. Politically, she has strong views. I'm trying to offer fact checking and alternative viewpoints.

She was planning a vacation in the country IVisited many times and lived for a while. I tried to suggest ideas but this was not welcome. WITHin fact he only wanted me to confirm her choice. I just returned from a month in this country and she wants to catch up.but I don't.

I don't want to be the friend who cuts and runs away without explanationbut I I don't think she'll ever understand the impact of her behavior on my self-esteem. At this point I am in avoidance mode. What should I do?

You can run and run, but it is rarely the peaceful resolution we hope for. But confrontation to resolve conflict requires courage and willingness on both sides.

I went to see UKCP registered psychotherapist Noel Bell and he thought you should discuss the issue with your friend, “especially since people haven't confronted her openly in the past and she's been taken aback.”

Bell suggested this helpful conflict resolution tool: “The first step is to tell her what usually happens in your conversations. It should be as truthful as possible and essentially what the recorder will produce. The second is to tell her how it makes you feel. There shouldn't be any argument about it. After all, your feelings are your feelings. The third step is to ask how you both are going to change the dynamic of your friendship.”

Bell says you need to think about how you're going to solve this problem with her. You can write a letter, but it's best to meet face to face. “Despite her harshness, she may be more inclined to listen to your side of the coin in person, especially if she values ​​your friendship.” Additionally, face-to-face interactions allow you to gauge body language, which can tell you when to push and when to back off in a conversation. “This will also provide an opportunity to answer any questions she may have,” Bell says. He suggests trying this when you are in a relaxed and private environment.

Of course, your friend can shrug everything off. Some people have a “survival narrative”: they have a story about themselves that they can't let go of because their very survival depends on it, and it's all they know, and it's everyone else's fault. It's difficult because these people have no routes, only dead ends. But she may first imagine herself that way and then think about what you said. And even if you never come to a decision, the fact that you were honest with her will calm you down.

Remember, of course, that she has her own point of view too, so you need to be willing to hear it. I made a podcast on difference management and the technique I've learned is to say to the other person (after you've had your say, or even before), “Now you talk, and I won't say anything for half an hour.” It's wildly effective.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal issue submitted by a reader. If you need Annalisa's advice, please send your problem to: [email protected]. Annalisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our conditions. The latest episode of Annalisa's podcast is now available Here.