Laura Carstensen's favorite lecture of the year is the one in which she tells Stanford University students that—contrary to what they've probably been told and believed—this is not the best years of their lives. They come much, much later.
“I look out at the sea of 100 students sitting in class and I love the look on their faces. It's such a relief,” says Carstensen, a psychology professor and founding director of the Stanford Longevity Center. “I see this clearly because not only are our teens and 20s the worst time of our lives – with the highest levels of loneliness, anxiety and depression – but people constantly say [young people] what are they best years.”
Carstensen research consistently offers that starting in their 20s, people begin to experience fewer negative emotions. This does not mean that they have more frequent or stronger positive emotions; rather, their emotional balance improves with age.
As part of TIME's series of interviews with longevity leaders, we sat down with Carstensen to talk about what's driving these changes, as well as the surprising type of friendship she wishes more people would prioritize.
This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.
Your research seems to suggest that older age is something to look forward to rather than fear. Is that how you see it?
Yes, and in many ways it's the best time of my life. Emotionally speaking, this is the best time of my life. Now let me be clear: there is a lot not to like about aging; physically it sucks. It's not a very good story, but it is emotional. There is no perfect stage in life – there are always compromises. When you're young and miserable, you're also at your physical peak, and that's wonderful. Having a limitless future is also interesting.
Older people don't have this, but they do have a sense of focus and understanding of what is important in their lives. It is a juxtaposition of physical vitality and emotional richness, and it occurs differently at different stages.
So what happens to emotional well-being as we get older?
People have a better emotional experience. They are more satisfied with their relationships and more at peace with themselves, and as we get older, we stop caring so much about these trivial things that can drive us crazy earlier in life. Additionally, from a cognitive processing perspective, we tend to literally see, hear, and remember positive information more than negative information.
Read more: 4 ways to become happier as you age
Older people don't get happier—we don't see much change in happiness across the lifespan. But we see significant reductions in anger, sadness, fear and anxiety. This is why we say that emotional balance improves with age. This is not the same as saying, “I am happier.” Your emotional life becomes richer, and you are more likely to see an old friend, smile and feel the tears at the same time. I think it's because we know that life doesn't last forever. It's not nonchalant, but there's something sweet and spicy about it.
As time becomes more valuable, we use it more efficiently.
When do these changes occur?
We did large longitudinal study looking at it, it seems like the 20s are the worst. Then you start to notice some decrease in negative emotions, and it really decreases in your 40s and 50s. The 60s and 70s are the peak of life emotionally. As you get older the situation doesn't get much worse, but this is where it sort of levels out, so the main change in value for money occurs between 40 and 60 years of age.
What other interesting conclusions can you draw about older age?
Another robust finding relates to what we call prosocial behavior: essentially, we give to other people and do things for them. Elderly people more likely to engage in prosocial behavior and also feel better when they do so, so they give more and get more bang for their buck. This is a very rewarding experience. Because of these discoveries, sometimes I have a really bad day and I think, “God, I need to go help someone.”
Are there any other surprising facts about aging that you wish more people knew about?
Firstly, how much older people love young people. There are many myths about generation gap, but older people think that young people are the bee's knees. For the first time in human history, as we live longer, we now have such an even age distribution of the population, and I think it's exciting the idea that we can come together and solve problems big and small with groups of people, where we combine the skills, strength and ambition of young people with the pro-sociality, experience and emotional balance of older people. It inspires me to think about what we can do together.
What is the Stanford Longevity Center's New Map of Life initiative?
The aging of society is a major concern: the productivity of older people will decline, they will become a burden, and so on and so forth. First of all, there is very little evidence for this; a lot of it is just mythology. But the idea that there is a disconnect between the way we live, the social policies and structures that guide us through life, and how long we live is a valid one.
Premise New life map— and, indeed, our Longevity Center — is that today's generations are being born into worlds that were literally built by and for young people, from the knowledge housed in medical school libraries to the depths of the staircases we climb every day. The intended user is a young man, and we really think that is why there are so many problems associated with aging.
Read more: 4 Science-Based Habits That Will Help You Live Longer
What we are trying to do is start a global conversation about a new way of life and think seriously about policies and institutions. What should education look like when we live to be 100 and work until we are 80? How should families approach the definition of what has long been considered a nuclear family? Nowadays, most families have at least three or even four generations living at the same time. Who is responsible to whom and when do we give money to our children? Should you wait until you die? Well, if you're going to die at 100, your kids will have to wait until they're 80 to get the family farm.
That's a lot to figure out. Do you see this conversation starting to spread?
I think we're on the verge of a real rewriting of life's script, yes. I really believe that people have realized – really for the first time – that living a hundred years is becoming increasingly common, and living a life of 90 years is very common. How will this affect financial security, education, the nature of family, and politics?
Every aspect of our lives will change depending on our lifespan. And we need to think about how we can make these changes beneficial to people. How can we use longer life to improve quality of life at any age?
Are there any concrete ideas on how to implement all this?
Eat. For example, the financial security industry is thinking about new products that can help people prepare for a longer life. The real problem people face today is how to save enough money to retire? And then let's say you've done everything right, you've saved millions of dollars, you're 65 or 70 years old, and you're retiring. There is very little guidance on how to save it or how to spend this money. There are new products being developed to help people do this, and that's exciting.
We also work and talk with people in the world of transport: Automation of cars will make travel much more convenient for people of all ages. A lot is leaking out, and one of the things we hope to do more of at the center is bring it all together and become a repository of information about best practices, new ideas and new ways of living.
I want to ask you about another area you're passionate about: intergenerational friendships.
We don't think enough about this possibility of intergenerational exchange, and it's really interesting. We know that in our world there is a division by age, so young people do not have friends among old people. We have relatives, so we interact intergenerationally within families, but not much outside of our family. If you look at a person over 65 and ask him, out of all the people in his social network, he has less than one friend under 25.
Read more: Revealing the secrets of life up to 100 years
What interests me is friendship—opportunity and mutual benefit. Being friends with people of different generations is really unusual, and we don’t take advantage of it.
How could we do this better?
We are just beginning to study this in our laboratory. We think one way to make these connections is to have people of different ages working together on some kind of solution – let's say there's some kind of community issue, whether it's distributing enough food, building a community center, or something where people come together to work on a project together. That's why we form strong bonds.
In the past, many intergenerational efforts have been friendly visiting programs, but they have never been successful. They are usually patronizing towards old people. I think it's important to approach it differently and say, “I'm so lucky because I live in a generational world.”
This article is part of TIME Longevity, an editorial platform dedicated to exploring how and why people live longer and what this means for individuals, institutions and the future of society. See other articles on this topic. Click here.
