Daffodils known their sense of entitlement, self-centeredness, superiority complex and condescending attitude towards others. Talking to them can be frustrating and tiring, and what may seem like a simple conversation can quickly escalate into a fight you weren't expecting. By learning some of the communication traits that are common in people with narcissistic personality disorder, you can better protect your mental health during these interactions.
“One of the great things about narcissists is that they are very predictable,” says Carrie Ann Cleveland, a family therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. “Once you open the mask and look underneath, you can easily predict what they are going to say and what will trigger them.”
This knowledge allows you to prepare for conversations and remain neutral during difficult interactions. “All of these types of communications are designed to get you to react,” Cleveland says, and staying calm is one of the best ways to deal with them. “You never want to justify, argue, defend or explain yourself to a narcissist because then you will just end up in that cycle.”
With that in mind, we asked experts exactly what to expect when you talk to a narcissist.
Abbreviation you need to know
When people with narcissistic personality disorder feel challenged, they often resort to a manipulation tactic called DARVO, which stands for denial, attack and reversal of the victim and abuser. “This is the No. 1 red flag you need to look out for when you're talking to a narcissist,” says David Hawkins, a clinical psychologist and author of books including Vulnerable Narcissist And So you've been called a narcissist, what now?
These are three stages:
Deny
The first step of the DARVO process is denial. People with narcissism tend to “vigorously defend themselves against any blame or criticism,” says Hawkins. “They deny any wrongdoing and reject the allegations as false.” For example, they may tell you that you are being ridiculous or exaggerating things. They will categorically deny behavior and events that you know happened, rewriting history, insisting that you remember something wrong.
Attack
People with narcissism often go into the next attack phase by undermining the character and authority of their loved one. It's not uncommon to hear expressions like this, Cleveland says: “You're crazy. You're obsessed. You're always starting fights.” The narcissist may bring up past mistakes in an attempt to discredit the person criticizing their behavior or lash out at known insecurities.
Swap the victim and the perpetrator
The final step of the DARVO response model involves a role reversal: the narcissist positions himself as the victim. In an effort to gain sympathy and distract attention from their own behavior, they claim that they are the ones being treated unfairly. For example, Cleveland says, they might say, “I can't believe you're treating me this way after everything I've done for you.”
Read more: The Worst Words You Can Say to a Narcissist
“They portray themselves as hurt, so you look like the aggressor,” she says. “You're jumping all over the place trying to defend yourself against these false accusations,” which can distract you from uncovering the behavior that led to the confrontation in the first place.
Other common tactics
When mental health experts work with friends and family members of narcissists, they teach them to recognize different manipulation tactics. Here's what you need to know about some of the most common ones:
Minimization
This maneuver is based on the narcissist's need to reduce the harm he causes. “It’s usually one of the first [tactics] “They assume that offensive or hurtful words and behavior are no big deal, downplaying your feelings,” Cleveland says. You'll likely hear statements like, “You're too sensitive,” “You're exaggerating again,” “You're making too much of this,” or “You're too emotional.” The goal is to simplify your emotions so that you begin to doubt yourself, she says.
Minimizing the problem is a way to “subtly teach others to believe that it's not as big as you think it is,” Cleveland says. Additionally, if something is “not a big deal,” the narcissist does not need to apologize for it or change their behavior.
Deviation
If a narcissist feels criticized, he will often avoid responsibility by changing the subject, placing the blame on you for something that has nothing to do with the issue you raised. Let's say your colleague made a mistake on an important report. When you try to answer this question, they may respond, “Well, you didn’t send that email on time last week.”
Read more: How to break 8 toxic communication habits
“They are so ashamed to hide ordinary things about themselves—even the flaws that we all have—that any confrontation creates anxiety and fear,” says JJ Kelly, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Damn it, I'm dealing with a narcissist! “They don't even believe what comes out of their mouths – they just need to get [the criticism] from them,” so they direct it at you, even though their words may seem inappropriate.
Feigned Confusion
“Narcissists sometimes act like they don't know what you're talking about, so the conversation gets nowhere,” Cleveland says. They deliberately act as if they are confused, forgetful, or unable to understand your point of view. “Narcissists use feigned confusion to avoid responsibility,” she says.
For example, they may ask you to explain things over and over again, demand excessive evidence or documentation, answer direct questions vaguely, and say things like “I'll think about it”—and never answer you. Other common phrases include “I don’t remember agreeing to this,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” and “I didn’t know you needed this.” Why didn't you tell me?
“It's an effective tool because it slows down progress,” Cleveland says, and you can get tired, angry and give up. “It is designed to upset and destabilize you emotionally so that you lose your composure.”
The charm offensive
Some narcissists gain people's affection through flattery and friendly behavior. “If someone has gone too far in the good people camp, that could be a red flag that it's performative,” Kelly says. Part of the reason they behave this way is because they can't handle the idea that people don't like them, she adds. But this charming nature can also be a tool used to exert control: “It makes you want to be generous to them” and justify any bad behavior, at least at first, she says.
Imagine you're dating a charming narcissist who complains about you to a mutual friend. Because your partner comes across so well, people may be inclined to believe that they are not to blame. “They get people on their side with their charm,” Kelly says. “So when someone meets them with reality and responsibility, they have that team behind them.”
Projection
Projection is a psychological defense mechanism that narcissists sometimes use to blame you for the very thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that they are guilty of, such as lying, cheating, or controlling behavior. For example, if they are having an affair, they may blame you. to be unfaithful; if they lie, they will insist that you are the liar. By doing so, “they deflect suspicion from themselves,” Cleveland says. “They also muddy the waters and put you on the defensive.”
Sarcasm disguised as humor
This excavation at your expense was just a joke, right? Not always. Cleveland says narcissists often disguise sarcasm as humor, making harsh remarks about your intelligence, competence or appearance but portraying them as playful. Consider this public statement: “Wow! It takes a lot of confidence to pull off an outfit like that!” Or, “Oh, don’t stress yourself out—you might actually have to work.” When will you call them about it? Come on, they were just teasing and didn't mean anything by it.
Read more: 7 things to say when someone lights you up
“It's a way for them to attack, humiliate, or humiliate you while protecting themselves from liability by turning their words into harmless humor,” Cleveland says. Over time, these “jokes” will undermine your self-confidence, she says, while maintaining the narcissist's dominant role.
How to answer
Once you understand these tactics and patterns, you'll be better able to deal with them without becoming offended or upset, Cleveland says. The best overall response to each of these toxic communication patterns is the same: remain calm, cool, and neutral. The key is to avoid engaging in circular or provocative conversations and instead set boundaries and exit unproductive conversations. She suggests using closed responses: “I understand that this is your point of view. I see it differently.”
Kelly touts the power of radical acceptance and coming to terms with the fact that during the course of your relationship with a narcissist, you will likely be misperceived when they try to make you out to be the guilty party. “It's natural to want to clarify things when you're being misrepresented,” she says. “But you can respect yourself, act in accordance with your values, and step back without having to explain or defend yourself. You know who you are.”
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