We'll save you the trouble of wondering: Yes, people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) are considering using a planner, setting alarms, and creating reminders on their phone. No, these suggestions are useless.
In fact, these are some of the worst things you can say to someone with ADHD, which is characterized by symptoms such as difficulty concentrating, difficulty starting tasks, feeling restless, or impulsive behavior. “It's like, 'Wow, what a brilliant idea,'” says Bailey Pilant, a licensed mental health counselor in New York City who specializes in ADHD (and has the condition herself). However, people give this well-meaning but unwanted advice time and time again, including telling Pilant that she should try writing everything down. “I can write it down, but I still won’t remember it because I bet I’ll lose the paper,” she says. “I won’t remember I wrote it down, I won’t remember where I wrote it down, I won’t be able to find it, and then it just slipped my mind.”
There are other outrageous statements. Here are some of them, and what to say instead.
“Are you sure? You don't look like you have ADHD.”
When Pilant went to college, her peers looked at her strangely when she revealed that she had a prescription for Adderall to help her manage her ADHD. They all said the same thing, due to a lack of understanding of the many ways this disorder manifests itself: “You don’t look like ADHD.” Some wondered if she was sure she actually had it.
“It was so dismissive and I was very insecure about it at the time,” she recalls. “I quickly learned not to talk about it, and then I felt ashamed that I stopped taking my medication because of the negativity and stigma even after I found out I had ADHD.” It took her years to resume taking her medication, but when she finally did, she was amazed at how much it helped her cope with everyday problems.
“You have so much potential if you just try.”
When you're growing up with ADHD, Pilant says, people constantly tell you that you just need to try harder, be more disciplined, and quit smoking already because you're lazy. “Trust me,” she thought, “we try very hard to be “normal.”
Read more: Stop Saying These 5 Things to People with Social Anxiety
“These comments are so disheartening,” she says. “I feel like my heart is breaking, remembering all the times I was told I had so much potential if I just tried harder. It hurts because that's not what's happening.” She would like more people to understand that ADHD leads to problems with executive functions, which can feel like being at a traffic stop with no lights, signs or traffic controllers waving cars. “Our brain is like a public space in which we constantly think: “What should I do? How can I do this? How can I understand this? – she says. “It takes a lot of mental capacity and work to fight with yourself all day, every day, to pass the tests of life.”
“You're being too dramatic.”
People with ADHD often experience strong, overwhelming emotions caused by even the slightest setbacks and disappointments. This may include being particularly sensitive to rejection. “They tend to feel their emotions in very vivid terms—they feel things more deeply than other people,” says Billy Roberts, a therapist in Columbus, Ohio, who specializes in the condition. That's not necessarily a bad thing, he says; for example, it can promote creativity and artistry.
However, friends and family members often encourage people with ADHD to calm down by telling them they are being too dramatic or sensitive. This is a mistake. “This increases their shame and self-criticism and can lower their self-esteem and self-worth,” Roberts says. “It can actually undermine their confidence and make them less assertive. It's not just one comment – it's an accumulation of feelings of being misunderstood and unheard.”
“Everyone struggles with it.”
One of the worst things you can say to someone with ADHD is that “everyone struggles with it” when mentioning one of their symptoms, such as being constantly late. In fact, most people experience symptoms of ADHD from time to time, says Russ Jones, an ADHD productivity coach and presenter of the program. Big Brother ADHD podcast. For example, forgetfulness and tardiness are common. However, this does not mean that you also have ADHD or that the other person does not have a “real” condition. “The extent to which we are weakened by these symptoms is critical,” he says.
Take for example losing your car keys, which happens to most people from time to time. Annoying? Certainly. “But for an adult with ADHD, lost keys could cause them to be late for work, and if they're late for work again, they could lose their job,” Jones says. “And if they lose another job, their spouse will leave them. That's the difference with ADHD.”
“Can you stop fidgeting for just a minute?”
People with ADHD tend to feel like they are constantly being barked at to sit still. Keep in mind that for many, playing with fingers as little toys is actually is improving Stay focused because it helps regulate the nervous system, allowing them to tune out distractions.
Read more: The worst thing you can say to someone who is depressed
However, people often confuse Jones's restlessness with a lack of interest. He wants them to know, “I'm the one doing what I have to do to stay focused,” he says. “I need to occupy some aspect of my brain – I'm not saying, 'How do I get out of this? I'm a friendly guy, I care about you and want to listen to you, but if I sit still my brain will immediately go anywhere. Give me a fidget toy and I can latch on.”
What to say instead
There are many ways to support loved ones with ADHD. Instead of a flippant “everyone has ADHD now,” Pilant suggests saying, “I can see how much effort you need to deal with it. It sounds very difficult.” You can also show interest by asking, “What are the biggest challenges you face every day?”
“Be curious about this person,” she advises. “Instead of saying things like 'try harder,' ask what strategies or supports help them the most.” And instead of telling them (they've heard this for the umpteenth time) that they should try using a planner, Pilant recommends asking, “Can I share something that worked for me and see if it works for you?” Or: “What was your experience using this tool before? Can we work together to find a system that will better support you and your needs?”
Read more: What is hyperfixation really?
If you are in a close relationship with someone with ADHD, let them know that you don't want to fix or change them, but rather that you like to help them make their life easier. For example, you could ask your girlfriend, “Hey Jules, did you remember to bring XYZ?” If she starts berating herself for forgetting, jump in: “It's okay! I had a feeling you might forget, so I grabbed this for you.”
“The best thing you can do is learn to support them rather than shame them for their 'flaws,'” says Pilant. “Then also have that loving, radical acceptance and understanding that even with support and tools, they won’t always be able to do it—and that’s where we come in, with gentle reminders or just taking over and filling that deficit for them.”
Want to know what to say in a difficult social situation? Email [email protected]
