I’ll Say It: Don’t Do a Name Change When You Get Married

It doesn't start with a name change.

Today is some woman's first Monday morning be engaged. She went on a weekend break with a girl and came out a bride. For now, she's replaced at least two nights of sleep with glaring eyes on Pinterest, Instagram and WeddingTok, happily and temporarily away from the busy real world to focus on venues, dresses and canapés. She spent the weekend making dizzying phone calls and posting photos looking at wedding ring on her arm until her neck broke. And gifts! Her parents sent flowers. Her friends, champagne. This morning, her colleagues are waiting for her with lattes, eager to hear every detail.

But when she gets home tonight, it will be there: a gift that will make her stop. Is this from her future mother-in-law? I mean, we can't say for sure, but yeah.

This is a sweatshirt. Or Stanley. Or a box of office supplies so bulky that she couldn't fit through it in four lifetimes without the Internet. Whatever it is, it's personalized with unfamiliar initials. A monogram that takes her a minute. It might even say “Mrs.”

And that's wrong.

I've always found it interesting that the discussion about a woman changing her name when she gets married starts with the assumption that she will. The question falls into the same whirlwind as “When do you think?!?” and “What are you thinking?!?” This is treated as a joyful given, which places a double burden on the bride: if she does not intend to change her name, she must go out of her way to celebrate it. It also risks ruining the mood, depending on the context. Often, the entire dialogue regarding a name change comes to a standstill, and the bride smiles strainedly at all pre-wedding events. No chance, she thinks, but I'll deal with it later.

But later everything is just as restless. I've been around long enough to have witnessed dozens of friends get married, and I've been a part of almost as many confessions about the strange dynamics surrounding those choices. With so many decisions being made when planning a wedding, each with so many players involved, the bride's personality can easily fall prey to burnout—just another box to check, hopefully with minimal worry on the part of anyone's parents. When I was planning my own wedding, the amount of time I spent thinking about changing my name was more than thinking about flowers, but less than actually doing it. Pre-Cana. I knew I didn't want to do it, and my now husband supported me, but it was considered almost a secret. I didn't mean to spoil the atmosphere by correcting those who called me “Mrs.” That was part of the fun, right?