TThe lavender marriage, an administrative convenience and PR fiction of Hollywood's golden age, is back. The Washington Post recently reported on its updatemeeting Jacob Hoff, a gay man, and Samantha Greenstone, a straight, blissfully married couple with a baby on the way (they're “the birds and the bees,” Greenstone explained to the horny curious). The Post also spoke with April's friends Lexi Lee and Sheri Wong, both on the asexual spectrum, who say they “We were beaten so badly that we got married… platonically“
Of course, if you openly talk about a lavender marriage, then this is not the case. Their goal was to provide a fig leaf of heteronormative respectability at a time when it was professionally and socially necessary; these people are not doing this for the sake of decency. Hoff and Greenstone don't like the term: “It devalues what we really have, which is love marriage.” Greenstone says. But “lavender marriage” has been adopted online as a term for various forms of loving, committed relationships that don't focus on traditional romance and sexual desire, like playful aspiration And life experience. They need a different name: some people call themselves Platonic life partners (PLP); I saw “Rainbow marriage” on TikTok.
If you're my age, in a heterosexual marriage in suburban North Yorkshire rather than the polycules of Portland, Oregon, you have a whole range of options for how you might feel about these unions, from “wheezy great-uncle” to enthusiastic consent, with the real danger of sounding like a groovy priest, studiously communicating with children when discussing it. I'll go out on a limb: there's a cool vicar here, on duty to discuss a few embarrassing issues. The HGU (and I'm guessing he's not homophobic, just a little confused) might say something like, “Isn't this just friendship?With? Why treat them like anything else? Why get married?
Hoff and Greenstone don't view their relationship that way at all, but for those who can see why No marry? I don't think my union has any exalted status just because it was bound by traditional romance or sexual attraction—it's still basically two people watching TV and fighting over trash cans. We no longer treat marriage – transaction based on property, historically and patriarchal institution still – really as a sacrament that can be tainted by spreading to other types of love? “Fair” friendship is equally sacred and worthy of formalization; This happened sometimes and in some places. In his latest book Bad friendTiffany Watt Smith describes the history of friendship treaties and ritual contracts dating back to the Iberian period of the 13th century. conspiracies and early modern French branchesto choice BelayDo – a close friend elevated to the status of kinship – by Aku women in Cameroon during puberty.
There are very good reasons to marry the person you love, anyway, not least of which is simple economics. “single fine“realistically: rent, bills, lack of eligibility for tax breaks – it all adds up; in the US, health insurance is a huge additional factor. Studying the Nu-Lavender phenomenon, Vice And Business Insider described it as Gen Z's response to economic hardship (coupled with understandable dating fatigue). And marriage, rather than casual cohabitation as platonic companions, is good for us in other fundamental ways: married people enjoy longer life expectancy and better health outcomes (especially I have to mumble, men). Intimacy—physical or not—the emotional support and sense of security that a good marriage can offer is protective; How Lee says“I realized how much easier it is for me to move through this world with a partner.”
HGU may also argue that such relationships have always existed privately and are quite content. Why broadcast them on social networks? Both couples in the Post article proudly talk about the idiosyncrasies of their marriages online (content creation is Hoffa's main source of income) in response to those who are hostile or simply curious, and I actually find this particularly admirable. Because unlike the lavender marriages of the 1930s, these marriages, through their chosen visibility, make a compelling case that love in all forms is worthy of official recognition and celebration. They're trying to figure out what marriage can be, and yes, that's a terribly cool statement from a vicar, but in this day and age submissive wives, book bans and narrowly defined, exclusive “Christian” values reframing empathy as sinfulI find this extremely exciting.
Emma Beddington is a Guardian columnist
-
Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words via email, which will be considered for publication in our letters section please Click here.
