I want to marry my girlfriend, but I’m worried it may upset my young son | Family

I am a 44 year old man, I have seven year old son. His mother and me divorced, and I left when he was three years old. We share custody; he is with me three days/nights a week – including part of the weekend. He does does well in school and has varied interests. He is a very happy child and the most precious thing to me.

I have I have been in a permanent relationship with a wonderful woman for three years now. He and my son get along great; he looks forward to meeting her and she loves him very much.

Iwas I'm thinking about remarriage. All the ingredients for a happy life are in placebut I'm worried this may have an adverse effect on my son. I don't want to imagine anything confusion in his life.

Although he spent a lot of time with my girlfriend and I, it seems he hasn't understood yet that we are in a relationship. Several months ago he heard me speak to her by phone as “my girl” and said, “I thought she was your friend. I didn't know that she was your girlfriend.” We didn't discuss it again and I made sure to never call her “my girlfriend” again.

I don't know how to talk to him about this without forcing him unsure or confused. ThisI also think it might be better to take this step is now than later when he is a teenager/teenager – because then he will probably feel very differently. I don't know if I be too carefulBut I don't want to do anything that interferes with his childhood and happiness.

The first thing you may have to accept is that your son's reaction may not be exactly what you want, or it may change. But you, as a father, have to stabilize it, and you will because you are attentive.

I went to UKCP registered therapist Lucy Fuller, who said: “The words 'girlfriend'/'partner'/'wife' may have a different meaning to a seven-year-old than it does to you.”

She also wanted to reassure you that “it can often be forgotten that adults have the right to be romantically involved.”

If you are age appropriate, remember to be confident as children take the lead from us. “If we hesitate, worry, or are secretive,” says Fuller, “children pick up on our anxiety without being able to understand how they feel, which can lead to acting out and have a negative impact on family life.”

It's important to remain sensitive to your child's feelings, but Fuller wants you to remember that in some cases, “if a parent is not clear about his or her expectations of how a partner will be accepted, children may feel they have the power to act on their immature and instinctive need to reject a new partner whom they may (and often do) perceive as a threat to their mother or father.

“So make it clear that your new partner is an addition to the wider family and will fulfill his own role, and is not in any way replacing or replacing your son's mother. You need to reassure him that you love your girlfriend, but this does not detract from your love for him. That love is not divided between you, but multiplied to include everyone.”

I don't know the best way for you and your son to talk to each other, but maybe do something you both enjoy. Approach this with gentle confidence – because that will give him confidence – and maybe, as a starting point, go back to that conversation where he said your girlfriend was just your friend. What does he mean by a girl?

At this point, Fuller suggests you bring up the topic of marriage. She says, “Encourage him to ask questions about your girlfriend (answering in an age-appropriate manner) and about your relationship. Answer confidently, affirming your love for him and his importance to both of you. Emphasize how much your girlfriend likes him, but keep in mind that his interest will be more about how he will fit into the new dynamic.”

And remember that children are endlessly fascinated by practicality. You're thinking about emotions, but his questions, at least at first, may well be deeply logistical.

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