Dear Eric: My 37 year old daughter and her 10 year old son live with my wife and me. My daughter shares custody with my grandson's father.
My daughter has been sober for two years now, and it's great. She works outdoors most days, but due to the weather she has many days off.
When she's not working, she sits in her room on the phone and/or watches TV. She does not help my wife or me with any normal household chores. She always leaves a mess.
She is expected to pay rent every week, but rarely does so. If it weren't for my grandson, we probably would have evicted her.
Sometimes we drive four and a half hours to take her son to his father. She's either working or says she's too worried about seeing her ex to want to do it.
She lost her car insurance, registration and inspection over a year ago and most days she uses my car for work or errands. We love our grandson and help him and her as best we can, but we don't know what to do next.
What do we do to make our family life better?
– Offended parents
Dear parents: Consequences. There are simply too many “I can’t” or “I don’t want to.” It is important to decide what the consequences will be for your daughter and then enforce them. If she doesn't pay the rent, what happens? Decide with your wife and then stick to it for both you and your daughter.
In other areas the state government would certainly do this. If she is caught driving without registration or insurance, there will be legal consequences. So don't give her any reason by letting her use your car. She must understand this. Likewise, you are not obligated to take your grandson to his father. But apparently the custody agreement requires him to go there. So, your daughter needs to figure this out or face the consequences.
If your daughter is unwilling or unable to fully participate in raising her son, you, as grandparents, have the right to do so. These vary by state, so you should consult a family lawyer about the laws where you live. But I would encourage you to take this step even if you take no further action.
This is the time for serious conversations. An environment where your daughter is tested and you overcompensate is also harmful to your grandchild. So have the negotiations you need to. If she is in a sobriety program, she can also work on this with her sponsor or sobriety coach.
Dear Eric: In the past, you've suggested that writers stop sending cards, gifts, checks, etc. when the recipient can't even acknowledge it. I agree, but how about this: I have teenage and young adult grandchildren in two different families. Just seven. From each family, only one will graciously say thank you or acknowledge the gift. His or her siblings do not. Do I follow your advice and only send cards to single, caring adult children? Even though they are all adults or almost adults, they all live at home with their parents. If I single out one or two (thoughtful ones), I'm sure I'll be considered a rude “bad guy!” What do you think?
– Gives a gift
Dear Giver: First, you are not obligated to send gifts. Giving gifts is a continuation of relationships and an expression of feelings. “Thank you” is not a phrase that has left the lexicon. But we don't give to get gratitude. However, if you feel like the relationship is one-sided, it may be time to change the way you communicate. This – communication – is key here. If you want to hear more from the other grandchildren, you can say so. And if you decide to stop sending gifts for any reason, that is your prerogative, and any feelings they have about being “rude” should be addressed.
Dear Eric! I have two friends who never call or make plans. I discussed this with both of them. Some people promise to do better but never do. The other one tells me that she doesn't call anyone, but I can call her any time. However, I find it hard to think that actions speak louder than words, they don't care and the relationship will fall apart if I stop calling. How can I deal with feelings of resentment and rejection?
– Uncalled
Dear Uninvited: Decide which actions matter most to you. Are there other ways to show your friends that they care about you? Perhaps you are someone who needs reciprocity in communication. This is normal, but it may mean that this friendship is not right for you. However, be prepared for the fact that they may manifest themselves to you in other ways.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
