I'ma woman is at my end 30-year-olds who have thought this way since childhood it's important to be polite for those around me, including apologizing when I feel I have done something wrong.. Byeyes I have happy and fulfilling life, I have always had very low self-confidence. This combination of wanting to adequately acknowledge others and constantly doubting myself has transformed me into a person. who apologizes a lot. Often, it happens so fast that I don't even realize it. It is definitely anxiety driven and has impacted my personal and professional life. This is driving my family and colleagues crazyand then it pisses me off that they point it out – just makes me worry more about it.
A particular problem arises when it comes to public speaking. or ask questions in front of others. I try to write everything down so I keep it simple and don't get nervous, but even that doesn't work most of the time. I'm an aspiring policy scholar, so it's important to speak confidently. I tried to fix it with “exposure therapy”“, teaching lessons and forcing myself to ask any questions I can at public events – despite numerous public “humiliation» recognized male scientists. I also tried to consider “pause“before I speak so I can better understand when I'm apologizing, but this will only work initially before I fall off the wagon again.
I don't think IWill I ever like myself and there's nothing I can do about it. II've come to terms with it and still enjoy it life. I just want to stop apologizing so much. II read that therapy can helpBut How?
Apologizing is a skill, and a very valuable one. But you need to use it correctly (interesting that you yourself used this word). Too little or too much and you're asking the other person to do a lot of hard work.
I went to see UKCP registered psychotherapist Ali Ross, who wondered where this compulsion came from. “How young were you when it hardened?” he asked. “Was this an inspiration or an inherited principle from someone close to you?” Sometimes behaviors that served us well in childhood become maladaptive in adulthood.
Indeed, some of your behavior may now be seen as self-sabotage (you may find that podcast I made on this topic useful). You know it drives people around you crazy, but you do it anyway.
“You're asking what therapy can do to help you with this,” Ross said. “Much of what you detail is about doing, trying, identifying and solving problems. Much of good therapy is about 'being' rather than 'doing', because in 'doing' we often miss ourselves.” In other words, a good therapist will gently challenge you, but won't try to fix you; they give you a safe place to think and ultimately accept who you are There is.
Ross felt that instead of exposure therapy, you might need “a relational approach, perhaps with a humanistic therapist. This will help you come back to yourself and look at how you treat, judge, reject and devalue yourself. This may help you catch the self-criticism, interrupt it, and find more compassionate ways of looking at it. From there, your confidence can grow.”
It will take time, but you have taken an important first step by admitting there is a problem.
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It's very difficult to change habits in the midst of stress, and it sounds like apologizing is almost a reflex action, but I wonder if you might, as Ross says, “think about how an apology will benefit you? What would it be like to not apologize in moments like these? This is usually an attempt to avoid shame and exposure: “If I admit what I suspect you are going to notice about me, at least I am showing that I am aware of my shortcomings.” It seems like you are trying to take control of something that is out of your control, and that is how people perceive you. Ironically, in trying to control this, they are more likely to feel frustrated. Then you feel like you are losing control…” And a vicious circle arises.
Even reflecting after the event can be helpful. Can you count to 10 in your head before responding, or say a standard phrase instead of “I'm so sorry”? If appropriate, it could be something like, “Understood,” which is a great phrase that makes people feel heard without holding you accountable.
Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal issue submitted by a reader. If you need Annalisa's advice, please send your problem to: [email protected]. Annalisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our conditions. The latest episode of Annalisa's podcast is now available Here.
