In 2000, Elizabeth Gilbert, a successful journalist and short story writer who would gain even greater recognition six years later with the publication of Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for It All Across Italy, India, and Indonesia, went to get her hair cut by Raya Elias and ended up meeting her best friend. The two spent years as close friends—through Gilbert's two marriages to men, the film adaptation of her memoir starring Julia Roberts, and subsequent books—before Elias's 2016 diagnosis of terminal pancreatic and liver cancer made Gilbert realize she was in love with her. They had a short but tumultuous relationship, fighting with each other over substance abuse as Elias' cancer progressed. When Elias died, Gilbert realized that she, too, suffered from addictions: from sex and love.
Shelf Help is a health column where we talk to researchers, thinkers, and writers about their latest books—all with the goal of learning to live a more fulfilling life.
Following this death, Gilbert embarked on a journey of recovery that included an affair with Simon MacArthur, a longtime friend of Elias. Gilbert's last memoirs: “All the Way to the River: Love, Loss and Liberation” is her story of how devastating grief helped her come to terms with her addiction and set her on the path to recovery.
The Times spoke with Gilbert about recognizing the signs of sex and love addiction and learning to live well on your own. Now that the author is free to pursue a romantic relationship, he has a sober dating plan designed to create boundaries and avoid jumping into a new relationship too quickly. “The better I take care of myself, the less stressed the world feels,” says Gilbert, “and I put whatever energy I have left into my work, my friends and my community.”
This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.
What was your signal that you had problems with sex and love?
Intimate relationships were a source of pain and struggle for me from my early teens until I finally found the help I needed at age 50. For 35 years, I used my romantic and sexual partners the same way other people use drugs. I was constantly looking outside myself for both stimulation and reassurance. I found partners who made me feel good, and other partners who made me feel better. I was constantly in overlapping relationships, always either running away from someone or to someone else. I was never able to calm my nervous system, find contentment with anyone, or take care of my inner life. Even though I knew my behavior was harmful to myself and others, I could not stop compulsively repeating the same behavior patterns. It was exhausting, embarrassing, and, as I've heard descriptions of sex and love addiction, as satisfying as hijacking a revolving door.
How did discovering that you were addicted to sex and love change your worldview?
It was a relief when I finally managed to name this thing: “Ah! This What’s wrong with me!” It was nice to be in a room with other people who acted much like me. People spoke the truth about behavior that I had always tried to hide, and being able to talk about this behavior freed me from shame and gave me a safe community in which I could heal.
“For 35 years, I used my romantic and sexual partners the same way other people use drugs,” says Elizabeth Gilbert.
(Deborah Lopez)
What have you learned through recovery about how to have healthier relationships?
The goal of my recovery is to find a healthy and sustainable relationship with myself. I was always looking for a partner who could save me, outside of myself. Over the past six years of recovery, I have learned to take full responsibility for my life, calm down, and be securely attached to myself. I now trust that a sober, sane, emotionally stable, resourced, and compassionate adult woman is at the helm of my life. Now it doesn't matter to me whether I ever find myself in a romantic relationship again; I have a reliable life partner – myself.
You write about being “lost in an endless search for connection.” How does this quest feel to you and what do you do with the extra energy and love you have to give?
It takes an enormous amount of love and energy to keep one person (yourself) thriving. For years, my codependency and entanglement kept me focused on making sure all of my partner's needs were met so that, ideally, he could take care of me. It's ineffective and exhausting to invest all your love and resources into one person in hopes that they will someday return some of it to you. Now I am learning to pour this love, energy and care directly into myself, which is much more satisfying. My creativity is thriving, my friendships are richer than ever, I travel more, and I present myself to the world as a whole and content person. The better I take care of myself, the less stressed the world feels, and the remaining energy I have is invested in my work, my friends and my community.
How are sex and love addiction similar and different from other types of addiction?
A good description of addiction is “false worship” – turning something or someone into your God and sacrificing everything to him. Our culture teaches us that “love” means disappearing into another person's heart, and women especially are taught not only to seek this kind of extreme affection, but that without it they are worthless. Early in my recovery I was asked, “What is this behavior worth to you? Why don't you believe you can take care of yourself? And why don't you believe they can take care of themselves?” These questions helped me see the level of my addiction. Historically, I've always needed to be with someone I didn't think I could live without, or someone I didn't think I could live without. I would throw away any sense of balance, reason, and integrity to give my all to someone. As with all addictions, I was trying to escape the pain of my reality. The high always works until it doesn’t, then suffering comes. This frantic attraction, attention and dedication comes to an abrupt end when one party changes their mind and begins to pull away. Then comes the withdrawal process, which feels like death. This is not an exaggeration: the closest I have ever come to suicide and murder was because of my dependence on another person. I would like to say that this extreme level of disorder and violence is rare, but people kill themselves and each other every day due to fixated relationships and obsession. People usually lose everything (their health, peace of mind, jobs, money, and families) due to romantic devastation and dysfunction—and yet they find it difficult to leave.
(Maggie Chan/For The Times)
Your sponsor has now approved you as “date ready.” What will this process look like for you?
As part of my recovery, I have a “sober dating plan” designed to create boundaries and brakes on the way to getting to know someone. The plan includes items such as “no weeklong first dates.” Knowing how capable I am of throwing myself into another person, I'm in no rush to get out there and find out if I can survive another relationship. After 35 years of relationship drama, learning to find peace in being alone has been great for me, and I don't want to risk giving up all the progress I've made. But if I ever want a partnership, I have a plan that will help me stay as sane and sober as possible through this union.
How do we know when we are too dependent on someone else, and how can we become more emotionally dependent on ourselves?
The first step of all 12-step programs states, “We have come to believe that we are powerless over (fill in the blank person, substance, or behavior) and that our lives have become unmanageable.” Ask yourself: has your life become unmanageable? If the answer is yes, you may be in some kind of addiction/addiction crisis. If you come from a dysfunctional, neglectful or abusive family, “out of control” may feel like home to you, and you may find it difficult to imagine that there could be a simpler, happier way of life. I realized that there is no need to live in constant uncontrollability. No matter how chaotic my story is, I can learn to maintain my calm so that I no longer have to drag people into my drama or throw myself headlong into their drama. Moving forward, my emotional labor is to make sure I stay full – full of creativity, joy, faith, emotional health, respect, curiosity, relaxation, courage and the vibrancy of life itself. My job is also to believe that others can find the same inherent fullness in themselves without requiring me to spend my life on theirs as proof of love. My ultimate goal is to lovingly serve the world, and I can't do that if I wasted my life on someone else's life.
TAKE AWAY
From “All the Way to the River”
What do you say to people who think they will never be happy unless they find someone to share their life with?
I would say the same thing that my own higher power once said to me during a meditation: “Darling, why would we design a system in such a way as to guarantee your endless suffering? Can't you see that we have designed you in such a way that everything you seek outside of yourself exists within you? Stop searching, beloved. You contain everything you need.”
