The ancient wisdom of giving suggests that it is the thought that matters. But there's a lot to think about: how to find the perfect gift that says exactly what you want, how to afford it, and how to meet the recipient's expectations—or deal with their disappointment if you don't.
This season is especially fraught with anxiety. According to survey According to the American Psychiatric Association, people are more stressed about the upcoming holidays than last year, and nearly half are worried about finding or giving gifts. “At some point, gifts became less optional and more mandatory,” says Ken Martz, professor of psychology at Purdue Global and author Manage your emotions. “The holidays have ceased to be about generosity and have become about productivity.” He often hears people say: “I have buy for everyone”, “I have spend the same amount they spend” and “I have to keep up with what we did last year.”
This creates a feeling of guilt before you even enter the store. “And wine is expensive,” Martz says. “It causes people to overspend, overthink and overextend themselves just to drown out the feeling that they are not doing ‘enough’.”
So the greatest gift may be to free yourself from responsibility entirely, or to agree on parameters that can ease the load for everyone. We asked experts how to minimize holiday gift-giving stress.
Have an open conversation with your family about who is shopping for whom.
Make it a point to be on the same page with your loved ones regarding gift expectations. “It can be awkward,” says Ashley Smith, a psychologist in Kansas City, Missouri, so people often shy away from the conversation. But it's important to discuss what makes the most sense for everyone: shopping just for the kids, drawing names so everyone can only shop for one person, or setting a budget that everyone sticks to.
If you and, say, your mother-in-law disagree, don't get defensive, Smith adds. Find out what giving gifts means to her. She suggests asking, “What's really important to you about this? Help me understand what's really important.”
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“They may say gifts are important, but why?” asks Smith. “Is it because they grew up poor and this is how they show their love? Is it because they feel like they have no other choice? If we can be curious, then we can find common ground and be clear about what we are and what we don't want to choose.”
Also clarify the situation with friends and colleagues.
If you're not sure whether your friends or colleagues expect a gift exchange, there's only one way to find out: you have to ask. Smith recommends phrasing your question this way: “I'm trying to make the holidays less stressful and more enjoyable, and part of it is trying to be on the same page with everyone when it comes to gifts. Do you want to trade this year or not?” This way, you won't be caught off guard when the person whose office is next to yours drops a sweet gift on your desk and you have nothing to give her in return.
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“I’m a big fan of just bringing out the awkwardness because it saves everyone,” Smith says. “We all know the situation where you say, 'I don't know if I'm friends with that coworker or that friend over gifts.' Instead of sitting and stressing, go to the source and find out.”
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The holidays don't have to drain your mental capacity or your bank account. Experts agree that there are plenty of ways to make gift giving fun, stress-free and affordable. You may decide to give each other homemade gifts, choose a charity to donate to as a family, or gift each other lessons or other experiences.
One day, when several of Smith's relatives were laid off and money was tight, the family agreed to give each other things they already owned so that no one would have to buy anything new. After another year, each person gave everyone on their list the same thing: one of their favorite items. “My sister-in-law gave everyone her favorite razors and chewing gum—inexpensive,” she recalls. “And then I made my favorite drink and gave everyone a portion.” According to Smith, the end result was a lot of fun and unforgettable. She also recommends opting for homemade gifts: When she and her family did this, she made relaxation playlists for everyone (a themed gift for a psychologist, she admits).
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Another sentimental idea: You and your family could give each other handwritten notes that describe everything you love about each other, suggests Kelsey Hartung, a professional gift consultant and wrapper who helps clients find the perfect gift. Even out the situation by tossing the envelope into a pretty box with a pretty bow on top. “We all want to be loved and appreciated, and when we can articulate our thoughts and feelings about how much we appreciate someone and how much they mean in our lives, you'll have someone in the happiest of tears, just truly grateful,” she says. “It’s not about the things, it’s about the people, and this is a truly thoughtful gift.”
Make a big choice with one special gift
Instead of all eight members of your family getting a gift for each person (which would mean a total of 56 items), team up and give one large gift. For example, you could all do your part and rent a limousine for a Christmas light-gazing expedition, suggests Patrick Kucharson, founder Best Gift CoachA newsletter that provides tips on meaningful gifts. Or you invest in a hot tub that the whole family can enjoy year-round. “It just makes sense to put it all together, find something that everyone wants, and just make one big gift,” he says. “It makes life easier for everyone and in many cases more enjoyable.”
Create an IOU
If you need a last-minute gift, consider this tried-and-true approach: Give someone an “I Owe You” coupon that they can later redeem for, say, a special dinner with you or time spent doing some other meaningful activity. You can write it down and give it in a nice envelope so the other person has something tangible to hold in their hands.
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“I often find myself in a situation where I put a gift aside, so I always keep it in my back pocket,” Kucharson says. “I have a golden rule for gift giving: you want to give gifts that the recipient wants to receive, not gifts that you want to give.” By giving someone “I owe you” quality time, he says, you're giving them the power to determine how they'd like to spend it.
Learn to Preserve Memories
Memories are priceless and there are many ways to think outside the box. If you don't prefer to take a special photo, consider framing a menu from a favorite restaurant, such as the place where your parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary or where you and your partner had your first date, suggests Hartung. You can also create a favorite quote, song lyrics, poem, concert tickets, meaningful book cover, map of a special place, or favorite recipe, like Grandma's famous chocolate chip cookies. “It’s sweet and very personal,” she says.
Sponsor a sibling's vacation
Kucharson has two brothers, and his parents always wanted the three siblings to be able to spend more time together. They also struggled to figure out what to give to their adult sons, who were able to buy whatever they wanted for themselves.
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This inspired a Christmas gift idea: Kucharson's parents once sponsored a sibling's vacation, sending their children on a weekend vacation. “We're not motivated enough to create opportunities to connect with each other, which is something we really enjoy,” he says. When travel was essentially handed to them on a silver platter, they discovered it was the perfect opportunity to bond—and far more fun and memorable than any other gift their parents could have received.
Create a new tradition
Ideally, you can come up with a gifting approach that can be turned into an annual tradition. “It takes away the stress of having to start from scratch every year,” Kucharson says.
For example, “You could get into the habit of sending long-distance relatives boxes that say, 'Let's paint together,' and include a canvas, paints, and a pretty card,” he suggests. Pick a date and get together via Zoom to create your masterpieces, all while chatting and snacking. One of Kucharson's friends puts together an advent calendar for his wife every year, featuring 24 items he suspects she'll love. “She'll enjoy it all through December, and that's another little trick because she'll get presents from a lot of people at Christmas,” he says. “So how can you make your gifts stand out and truly show your appreciation? You check so many boxes with that gift.”
As part of his own tradition, Kucharson solves a holiday crossword puzzle for his wife every year. These puzzles either focus on a single sentimental theme or highlight important events in a couple's life over the past year. “It's really fun and 100% free,” he says. “She just loves these things.”
Remember: you can refuse
If you've thought through all the possible ways to reduce the stress associated with holiday gifts and you still feel like it's too much, saying no may be the right solution. “You don't have to give gifts, even if your family expects it or is upset about it,” Smith says. “You can absolutely refuse to live up to expectations.”
When you tell people you are opting out, set a clear and concise boundary: “I will not participate in any giveaways this year.” You don't have to justify your decision or explain why if you don't want to. Staying true to your desires may take courage, Smith says, but that doesn't make you a Scrooge or the Grinch—it just means you know yourself well enough to protect your peace (and your wallet) during the holiday season.
