Home is where the heart is, of course. It could also be a place with noisy, heavy-legged, parking space-stealing neighbors who seem to be just waiting to annoy you.
But even the most inconsiderate neighbors deserve sympathy. While it may be hard to remember in the heat of the moment, the people living around you want to enjoy their space just as much as you enjoy yours. “So often, when our emotions get the better of us, we forget the humanity of it all,” says Lindsay Rae Ackerman, a marriage and family therapist and vice president of clinical services at Clear Behavioral Health in Los Angeles. That's why she suggests making short, simple requests to annoying neighbors and acting on the assumption that they don't know they're bothering you. “It’s amazing how far it goes,” she says.
We asked experts what exactly to say when your neighbors are ruining your peace.
“Hey, I just wanted to check. Last night the music played past midnight, and this morning I felt it.”
If you've been up all night counting bars of your neighbor's music, instead of counting sheep, approach him when you're well rested so you're less likely to snap. Ackerman suggests framing your request in a collaborative manner: “Do you think we could find a quiet window after 10 p.m. on weekdays so we can both get some sleep?”
Read more: 8 things to say when someone is lying to you
“It’s based on problem solving,” she says. “It's not 'You did it wrong' or 'You should do it better.' Instead, try: “I’m struggling with what’s going on in your space, so I’m coming to you to find solutions together.” This is usually much more effective than making personal attacks or shouting orders at someone – such as yelling at them to turn down the same volume of songs you've been hearing all night.
“You probably don't know this, but your dog barks for hours and I work from home. I'm curious if there are any alternatives you'd be willing to consider for caring for him during the day?”
According to Ackerman, this is not an easy task because doggy daycare is expensive, and it's possible that your neighbor's pet suffers from anxiety or has just started a new training program. That being said, “the noise situation is very, very challenging,” especially when you’re trying to concentrate or answer an important call from home.
When you approach your neighbor, do so in a friendly and compassionate manner; It doesn't hurt to mention how cute Scout is before going on to complain. Please explain how constant barking affects your day and ask if they are open to brainstorming things like starting daycare a couple times a week.
“Start with it like, ‘Look, I get it. I understand that this is not easy,” Ackerman says. “I know that I am coming to you with a problem that is not always easy to solve.” Then act patiently, working together to improve the situation rather than expecting it to resolve overnight.
“Could you smoke in the other direction? I would really appreciate it.”
You have the right to breathe fresh, clean air, but depending on where you live, your neighbor may also have the right to turn on a light on their balcony or backyard. Give them the benefit of the doubt by acknowledging that they probably don't realize how their habit is affecting you, and then pointing out that the smoke is coming right into your living room and sticking to your furniture, suggests Jeff Gardere, a professor of psychology at Touro University in New York.
Read more: How to Succeed at Small Talk If You Have Social Anxiety
You can also tell us if you have a medical condition such as asthma or other sensitivity to smoke; Vulnerability is often a strength in conflict resolution. No matter what exact words you use, “I'll make the request with a smile,” Gardere says, “just to show that I'm friendly and don't want to ruin their fun.”
“Hey, I hear footsteps in the evening – our building is like that. Could you put some rugs or maybe just make it brighter after 9?”
You may be convinced you're living under Bigfoot, but that may be how sound travels through your home. Small changes like rugs are surprisingly effective, Ackerman says, and making a specific request means your neighbor won't have to guess.
It's also a good idea to make it clear that you don't think it's their fault: “Our floors are so thin. I'm sure you could be as quiet as a mouse and I'd still hear it.”
“It keeps it from being too personal,” she says. “You level the playing field—it’s very collaborative in nature and preserves their personal dignity because you’re not shaming them for anything.”
“Yesterday, when I was walking to the car, there was a little surprise on my shoes.”
Of course, that's a great way to describe a bunch of dog poop smeared all over your Nikes. But this approach allows you to present the situation in a neutral way, without suggesting that your neighbor is deliberately trying to bother you, says Larry Schooler, a professor of conflict resolution at the University of Texas at Austin.
He suggests adding: “I know it's not easy to keep Baxter out of other people's yards. Is there anything we can do to prevent another accident in the future?” Maybe, for example, you could leave a few bags of poop on the porch; you might argue that it's not necessary, but the extra effort may be worth it.
“I have noticed that sometimes cars block my driveway/common area and it becomes difficult for us to get in and out. Is it possible to ensure that the space remains clear?”
If your neighbor is driving you up a wall, blocking your driveway or taking up a designated parking spot, catch him at a neutral time—like when he's not running out the door to go to work. Explain exactly what's going on and then politely ask them to stop doing it, which is more effective than issuing a command, says Pamela Eyring, president of the Washington School of Protocol, which provides etiquette training programs.
Read more: How to Deal with Rude Airplane Passengers
She suggests adding, “If you ever need extra space, let me know. I'll be happy to help if I can.” According to Eyring, demonstrating your flexibility helps turn the situation into a partnership while strengthening neighborly ties.
“This is awkward, but your windows face my living room. Could you consider getting curtains or blinds so we both have some extra privacy?”
You're reading a book or watching the news and… oh, it's your neighbor? in the nude? “If you're familiar with a daily show that you'd rather not see, it's smart to mention it,” Gardere says.
Lighten the mood by telling your neighbor that their windows give you a clear view of their personal space and moments, not what you're looking at. (Said with a laugh.) Gardere suggests adding: “Believe me, if I had the same view from my windows, I would be upset if you didn’t tell me.” Then offer to install curtains (or remember to use them if they already exist).
And, of course, it doesn't hurt to add, “I just respect your privacy and don't want to embarrass you in any way.”
Want to know what to say in a difficult social situation? Email [email protected]
