There you sit, happily spooning mashed potatoes onto your plate when Uncle Larry begins to expound on his unique views on politics and the conspiracy theory he read about on Facebook that morning. Or a detailed dive into his cat's gastrointestinal problems. Or how he's still angry that great-great-grandmother Mildred left him out of her will 30 years ago.
It's time to change the subject, but doing it gracefully is an art. “It's not about distancing yourself from someone or avoiding someone,” says Chad Littlefield, co-founder and chief experience officer of We and Me, an organization dedicated to helping leaders, educators and event planners make communication easier. “We want to redirect without breaking the connection.”
We asked experts exactly how to change the subject so smoothly that no one even notices it's happening.
“I hear you. Hey, what's everyone thinking? Will the Lions get a W this week?”
One of the best ways to dodge a conversational landmine is with a comment like, “That's interesting,” or even a more neutral, “I hear you,” followed by a quick jump to safer ground.
“You want to acknowledge what was said and then move on to something else,” says Jason Dibble, chair of the communications department at Hope College in Holland, Michigan. “You don’t have to agree with someone to admit it.”
This approach works because conversational norms typically dictate turn-taking; one person can't talk the whole time, meaning that when someone uses their turn to mention something you'd rather not discuss, you can then use yours to address that issue in a way that doesn't take sides but is still appropriate before moving on to a safer topic. Plus, says Dibble, the original speaker won't feel ignored.
“We can talk politics any day. I'd like to hear when Grandma came up with her top-secret cranberry sauce recipe?”
According to Dibble, turning to nostalgia is an almost foolproof strategy: everyone loves to talk about the good old days. You could approach the conversation like this: “We only get together as a large group once or twice a year. I'd like to hear more about some people's favorite Thanksgiving memories.” Or, “Tell us some stories about what your first Thanksgivings were like.”
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“If you're wondering what to turn to, you can always turn to nostalgia,” says Dibble. “It’s easy to remember a wonderful memory and get them to talk about it and invite more people to talk.”
“Wow, this is above my pay grade—I’m just here for the food!”
Humor is a coping tool and a great way to relieve tension in almost any situation. That's why Joy Parrish, therapist and senior therapy manager at Headspace, likes this way of acknowledging an inappropriate comment and making it clear that this is not the time or place. “You make it sound like, 'I love you, but we're not going to do this,'” she says.
“Okay, let's take a break. Anyone need some refueling?”
Sometimes the best way to end a conversation is with a physical distraction. “Even if there are a lot of people around the table, the fact that someone gets up and leaves takes the focus away from what is happening,” Parrish says. “This focus is immediately broken.” By the time you sit down again, everyone's mood and concentration will be restored, and you can move on to new, more enjoyable topics.
“Speaking of politics, who's craving meatballs these days?”
What does a politician you don't know do? Want to hear about how to do this with a juicy foot-long sandwich? Nothing – and that's the point. One of Littlefield's favorite ways to change the subject is to use a non-sequitator, delivered in a playful manner that makes it clear that you're aiming for humor. “Laughter can completely clear the nerves in a room,” he says. “When you say, 'Speaking of politics,' or 'Speaking of super controversial issues at Thanksgiving, let's play Taboo,' that's a very obvious redirection without breaking the connection.”
“You mentioned [noteworthy detail]. I’m so curious, what’s the story behind this?”
If you listen carefully to even the shortest conversation, you will realize that there are countless points that you can follow. Maybe while she was ranting about politics, your aunt mentioned the town she grew up in – so why not ask her what it's like to live there or how often she comes to visit?
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This approach has only one requirement: “Your question must be based on your natural, genuine curiosity,” says Littlefield. “If you're just doing it for the sake of escape, it won't work,” because people will be able to notice and react accordingly.
“I'll think about it.”
“These four magic words can disarm almost any situation,” says Parrish, who considers them her favorite communication technique. If someone is trying to sell you something? You'll think about it. Cousin Brady wants you to join his church, vote for his favorite candidate, or lend him a large sum of money? You'll think about it too.
“You don’t say no—you say you’ll think about it,” she says. “It leaves the door open and you don’t have to deal with the situation right away.” This allows you to change the topic to something with much lower stakes.
“I love you, I just don't feel comfortable talking about it. Can we talk about the Lakers instead?”
Sometimes you need to be “brutally honest” and set boundaries, Dibble says. If your family member does not understand the point, tell him directly that you are not ready for further discussion and want to talk about something else. “Don’t feel bad about it, you didn’t say anything bad about Uncle Larry,” he says. “You haven't rejected his faith. You haven't taken away his right to think. You're just saying, 'I don't feel comfortable going there today.'
“You always care so much about all this, and I can tell you really care. By the way, you baked that amazing cake last year, right?”
A compliment can soften the transition from a hot topic. “If you have strong opinions about what grandma is saying, it may be difficult to find such kind words,” Parrish admits.
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But if you can spin it out, capture the fact that she's obviously put a lot of thought into whatever it is she's ranting about so passionately, and then move on to something else that brings that same dedication to the task, like baking or decorating. “You pivot to making it more global, rather than focusing on one topic that they want to talk about,” she says.
“We see it differently, and that's okay. What's most important to me today is that we're all in this together.”
These are sentiments that we could all benefit from saying to each other more often. Parrish thinks of it as saying, “I really appreciate you being here today,” which means a lot to the people receiving help. “It’s important to recognize that we have other things that connect us so deeply and meaningfully that this one opinion won’t cause division,” she says. “You can't argue with me by saying, 'I really, really want to spend time with you today.'
Want to know what to say in a difficult social situation? E-mail [email protected]
